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Various Humor Files from All over the Internet

Duane and Eva's Old Kentucky Book Store
We've selected humor books that we think will appeal to our visitors.

Why, when a person drives to the health club for a workout, does he always try to park as close to the front door as possible?



 The following were actually taken from  classified ads in newspapers:
 
 FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
  8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 FREE PUPPIES:
 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
 ----------------------------------------------------------
  FREE PUPPIES. PART GERMAN SHEPHERD -
  PART STUPID DOG
 --------------------------------------------
 GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
 NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
 ---------------------------------------------
  FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
 LOOKS LIKE A RAT.
 BEEN OUT AWHILE..
 BETTER BE REWARD.
 ******************************************
 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
 ---------------------------------------------
 AMANA WASHER $100.
 OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
 -------------------------------------------
 SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE.
 ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
 -------------------------------------------
 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
 -------------------------------------------
 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS
 OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,
 AUTO.
 EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 .
 ---------------------------------------
 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED.
 ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
 ---------------------------------------
     83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
     ---------------------------------------
     STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
     ---------------------------------------
     SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE
     89 cents .
     ---- -----------------------------------
     FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
     20 YR. WARRANTY.
     LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
     ----------------------------------------
     FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3
     BR
     2 BATH HOME.
     ----------------------------------------
     FOR SALE:
     LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
     ----------------------------------------
     NORDIC TRACK $300 .
     HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE.
     ----------------------------------------
     BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING.
     "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
     ----------------------------------------
     SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS.
     -----------------------------------------
     HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER .
     "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
     -----------------------------------------
     GET A LITTLE JOHN:
     THE TRAVELING URINAL.
     HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
     ------------------------------------------
     HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
     ------------------------------------------
     GEORGIA PEACHES
     CALIFORNIA GROWN -
     89 cents lb.
     ------------------------------------------
     NICE PARACHUTE:
     NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
     SLIGHTLY STAINED .
     -------------------------------------------
     FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
     -------------------------------------------
     AMERICAN FLAG.
     60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED.
     $100
     ---------------------------------------------
     TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
     WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
     STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
     ---------------------------------------------
     EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
     QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
     ---------------------------------------------
     OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF
     100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
     ----------------------------------------------
     JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
     MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER.
     $300.
     ----------------------------------------------
     LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
     ----------------------------------------------
     ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO
     REMEMBER.
     ----------------------------------------------
     GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
     ----------------------------------------------
     OPEN HOUSE.
     BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON.
     FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
     -----------------------------------------------
     KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
     -----------------------------------------------
     FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN.
     * $2.09 lb.
     -----------------------------------------------
     FOR SALE BY OWNER:
     COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA.
     45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT CONDITION.
     $1,000.00 OR BEST OFFER. NO LONGER NEEDED. GOT
     MARRIED LAST WEEKEND. WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
     -----------------------------------------------

Y1 Problem

The biggest scare in 4 b.c.:
"Civilization will collapse in just 4 years because we will run out of numbers."

From: Brian Buckner

Hi There Duane

Thought the following would travel quite well - some made me laugh 'til I cried!

  
Following extracts are perfectly genuine taken from actual 
letters sent to Britain's Department of Health & Social 
Security.  Although some read as rather crude, the senders wrote 
them in good faith. 
 
1. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three 
pieces. 
 
2. I want some repairs doing to my gas cooker as it backfired 
and burnt my knob off. 
 
3. The toilet is blocked and we can't bathe the children until 
it is cleared. 
 
4. The man next door has a large erection in his back garden.  
It is unsightly and very dangerous. 
  
5. Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my 
wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant. 
 
6. Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and 
we would like a third - so will you please send somebody round 
to do something about it. 
 
7. Would you please repair our toilet.  My son pulled the chain 
and the cistern fell on his head. 
  
8. Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year.  
The clergy have been visiting her regularly. 
  
9. I need money to buy special medicine for my husband, as he is 
unable to masturbate his food. 
  
10. In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your 
officer but with no results so far. 
 
11. I am pleased to inform you that my husband, who was reported 
missing, is dead. 
  
12. Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going 
into hospital to have her overtures out. 
 
13. Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two 
children  - one of which is a mistake as you will see. 
  
14. My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regularly 
but he finds he is lethargic to it. 
 
15. Unless I get my husband's maintenance money soon I shall be 
obliged to live an immortal life. 
 
16. The children have been off school because there is a lot of 
measles about and I had them humanised. 
 
17. Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors 
with my landlord and the milkman. 
 
18. You have changed my little boy into a little girl.  Will 
this matter? 
  
19. Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is 
nothing but a hypodermic. 
  
20. In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to 
twins in the enclosed envelope. 
 
21. I want my sick pay quick.  I have been in bed under the 
doctor for a week and he is doing me no good at all. If things 
don't improve I shall get another doctor. 
 
22. I do not get any money from my son.  He is in the army and 
his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury Plain. 
 
23. Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to 
supply it. 
 
24. Re your dental enquiry.  The teeth on top are OK but those 
on the bottom are hurting dreadfully. 
  
25. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son 
illiterate.  This is a damn lie as I married his father a week 
before he was born. 
 
26. I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names.  
This was due to contraceptional circumstances. 
 
27. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly 
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 
 
28. The Lavatory is blocked.  The boys next door throwing their 
balls on the roof caused this. 
 
29. This is just to let you know there is a smell coming from 
the man next door. 
 
30. The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand? 
 

From: Brian Buckner

Whose Job Is It?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that! After all, it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody because Nobody had wound up doing what Anybody could have done!


From: Brian Buckner

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?


There was a young girl of Madrass,
Who had a most remarkable ass.
Not soft, round, and pink,
As you probably think,
But the kind with long ears that eats grass!
From: Brian Buckner
         
Politically Correct Santa
       
'Tis the night before Christmas, poor Santa's a wreck, 
How to survive today's world, so politically correct? 
      
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves," 
"Vertically Challenged" they described themselves. 
     
And freezing conditions at the North Pole 
Infringed Union Agreements poor Santa was told! 
    
Four reindeer had vanished via welfare propriety, 
Released back to the wilds by the Humane Society. 
   
Moreover equal employment made it quite clear 
That Santa had to stop favouring traditional reindeer. 
  
So Dancer and Donner and Comet and Cupid, 
Were replaced with 4 pigs (even tho' it looked stupid!) 
 
The runners were completely taken off of his sleigh, 
The ruts were "damned dangerous" said the E.P.A. 
           
And citizens had started to wail  "call the cops" 
When they heard his sled risking expensive roof-tops. 
          
Carcinogenic smoke from his pipe had his helpers quite frightened. 
And his fur-trimmed red suit was deemed "So unenlightened!" 
         
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, 
Rudolf's lawyers were suing for unauthorised use of his nose 
        
Rudolf went on every Chat Show across the nation, 
Rudolf wanted zillions in cash as full compensation. 
       
So, half of the reindeer were gone, 
Then suddenly his wife, 
Said she'd had quite enough of this kind of life, 
      
Joining a women's self-help group
She left in a whiz, 
Proclaiming from now on her title was not "Mrs" but "Ms". 
     
And as for Christmas gifts, why, 
Santa ne'er had a notion 
Innocent choices could generate so much commotion. 
    
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, 
Which meant nothing for him,
And nothing for her. 
   
Nothing that might be 
Construed to pollute, 
Nothing to aim, 
Nothing to shoot. 
  
Nothing that clamoured 
Or made lots of noise. 
Nothing only for girls, 
Nothing only for boys 
 
Nothing that looked
To be gender specific, 
Nothing too war-like 
Nothing too non-pacific 
        
No candy, no sweets
Far too bad for each tooth, 
And positively nothing that seemed 
To embellish a truth 
       
And all fairy tales, 
While not yet forbidden, 
Should be like Barbie and Ken,
Scary parts edited or hidden. 
     
Christmas gifts like these offend those psychological 
Who claim the only good gift, is one ecological. 
      
No cricket, no football - someone could get hurt, 
Besides, playing such sports exposed children to dirt. 
   
Dolls were undoubtedly sexist, far more than passe, 
And Nintendo rots young brains entirely away. 
  
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed; 
He just could not figure out what to do next. 
 
He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay, 
But you've even got to be careful with that word today. 
      
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground, 
Nothing politically acceptable was now to be found. 
     
Something truly special was needed, a gift that he might, 
Give to all and to sundry, without angering the left or the right. 
    
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, 
Every group of people and every religion 
   
Satisfy every ethnicity, satisfy every hue, 
Satisfy everyone everywhere. - why even you!
  
So here is that Christmas gift, its price is beyond worth  . . . 
 
"May you and your loved ones share peace on our Earth." 
  
 

A Few Quotations:

Herb Caen:
"The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around."
Buckminster Fuller:
"Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering."
Edward P. Tryon:
"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
Unknown:
"A stitch in time would have confused Einstein."
Segal's Law:
"A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure."
Will Rogers:
"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."
Lisa Grossman:
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
Woody Allen:
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
Anonymous:
"Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working."
Bill Watterson, cartoonist:
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
E. B. White:
"Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time."
Oscar Wilde:
"I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated His ability."
Stephen Wright:
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
Mark Twain (1835-1910):
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
Carl Zwanzig:
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Douglas Adams:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Albert Einstein:
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

Children's Bible Knowledge Answers:


Not Happy Campers

The U. S. Forest Service received these actual comments from backpackers after wilderness camping trips. quoted by Tom Fitzgerald in San Francisco Chronicle
According to the caption under a picture of a new fire/rescue truck recently acquired by the local fire department, the truck included a 9,000 pound front mounted wench. Sounds like a piece of equipment that will make fire fighting more interesting.

From the imaginations of the people at NetSurfer's Digest:

"gullible" isn't in the dictionary, and you can confirm that by looking it up.

What do you suppose happened to the dinosaurs?
Probably wiped out by American 22nd century big game hunters.


Sally: If I don't get married soon, I'll wind up an old maid.
Tom: That sounds like fun. I think I'll wind one up too.

Joe's Chevron station on the corner advertises computer wheel balancing. I think I'll take my computer down there.

Seen on a tombstone: "I told you I was sick!"

More Epitaphs:

Ma loved Pa.
Pa loved wimmin.
Ma caught Pa
With two in swimmin.
Here lies Pa.

Here lies John Morris.
He did his damnedest.
What more can a man do?

Here I lie
No wonder I'm dead
For a broad wheeled Waggon
Went over my Head.
Grim Death took me
Without a Warning
I was Well at Night
And Dead in the Morning
15 March 1797
Sevenoaks, England

In Memory of
Beza. Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
aged 45 yrs.

Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
is very good;
We cannot praise
The other.
Winslow, Maine, 1837

Here lies the body of Nichlos Round
Who was lost at sea and never found.
Great Yarmouth, England c. 1790

He called
Bill Smith
A liar.
Cripple Creek, Colorado c. 1875

Here Lies Joyce
She'd rather not
But no choice.

Ope'd my eyes
Took a peep.
Didn't like it
Went back to sleep.
found on a tombstone of a newborn in Ashby de la Zooch, England in 1949

Someone found this on a tombstone buried deep in the grass.
Pause, stranger, when you pass me by,
For as you are, so once was I.
As I am now, so will you be.
Then prepare unto death, and follow me.

Pushing the grass aside a bit more, he found the following scratched on the stone, done with a crude instrument:
To follow you I'm not content
Until I know which way you went!

Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates,
Who died Aug. the 6th, 1800.
His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street,
Has every qualification for a good wife,
And longs to be comforted.
Lincoln, Maine

We all have a debt
To nature due
I've paid mine
And so must you.
Rock Valley, Massachusets, circa 175-

From a graveyard in Aberdeen, Scotland
Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot
She was aye a virgin at seventeen
A remarkable thing in Aberdeen.

Here lies my poor wife,
Without bed or blankit,
But dead as a door-nail,
God be thankit.

To the four husbands of Miss Ivy Saunders

1790, 1794, 1808, 18??
Here lies my husbands, One, Two, Three
Dumb as men could ever be
As for my Fourth, well, praise be God
He bides for a little above the sod
Alex, Ben, Sandy were the
First three names
And to make things tidy
I'll add his - James.

California

Here lies my wife.
Here let her lie!
Now she's at rest
And so am I.


Yogi isms - by Yogi Berra
I really didn't say everything I said.

If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them.

It's like deja-vu, all over again.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four.

It ain't over 'til it's over.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Tom Seaver: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

We have deep depth.

Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

On being told by the wife of New York Mayor, John V. Lindsay, that he looked cool despite the heat.
You don't look so hot, either.


The Wisdom of Casey Stengel
I broke in with four hits and the writers promptly declared they had seen the new Ty Cobb. It took me only a few days to correct that impression.

All right, everybody line up alphabetically according to your height.

I made up my mind, but I made it up both ways.

Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.

On players who did not drink:
It only helps them if they can play.

Good pitching will always stop good hitting, and vice versa.

The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.

On winning the 1958 World Series:
I couldna done it without my players.

On being asked how the Mets were doing:
Well, we've got this Johnny Lewis in the outfield. They hit a ball to him yesterday, and he turned left, then he turned right, then he went straight back and caught the ball. He made three good plays in one. And Greg Goossen, he's only twenty and with a good chance in ten years he'll be thirty.

On being asked about his future in the spring of 1965:
How the hell should I know? Most of the people my age are dead. You could look it up.


I saw a victim of Hurricane Fran being interviewed on TV. Surveying the wreckage of his North Carolina community he said, "It looks like a tornado went through here." That's like saying, "I'm so proud of the gold medal I won, I think I'll have it bronzed."
From: Sean Ahern
  THE GIFT
  
   A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new Sweetheart's 
   birthday.  As they had not been dating very long, it was 
   difficult.  After careful consideration a pair of gloves would 
   be appreciated, not too romantic and not too personal.  
   Accompanied by his Sweetheart's sister, he went to Nordstrom and 
   bought a pair of white gloves, the sister purchased a pair of 
   knickers for herself. 

   During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister 
   got the gloves and the young man got the knickers.  Without 
   checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent 
   it to his Sweetheart with the following note: 

   "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit 
   of wearing any when we go out in the evenings.  If it had not 
   been for your sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, 
   but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. 

   "These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from 
   showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three 
   weeks and they were hardly spoiled. I had her try yours on for 
   me and she looked really smart. 

   "I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time as, no 
   doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I 
   have a chance to see you again. 

   "When you take them off, remember to blow them before putting 
   them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. 

   "Just think how many times I will kiss them in the upcoming 
   year.  I hope you will wear them on Friday night for me. 

   PS.  The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little 
   fur showing." 


From: Roger Burton
Subject: girlfriend.exe

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to 
GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0).  Recently he 
upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has 
taken all his space; and  Wife 1.0 must be running before he can 
do anything.  Although he did  not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came 
with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and  BrotherInLaw. 
     
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...
     
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
 - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely
 uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
     
I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still 
installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and 
conflicted.  Then I tried  to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it 
didn't have an uninstall program. 
     
*****  BUG WARNING  ********
     
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug.  If you try to install 
Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete 
MSMoney files  before doing the uninstall itself.  Then Mistress 
1.1 will refuse to  install, claiming insufficient resources. 

***********************************************

Painting The Porch

A fellow in a well-to-do neighborhood was painting his house, when a man approached asking if he could earn a few dollars. The fellow thought about it for a minute, and said, "Sure, take a can of this paint, go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch."

An hour later the man returned, saying he was finished. Surprised, the fellow said, "Already?"

"Yes", the man said, "but it wasn't a Porsche, it was a Mercedes !"


BC

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the accoustics are marvelous even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.


     Man to God:           "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
                      
     God to Man:             "So you would love her."
                     
     Man to God:             "But why did you make her so dumb?
                    
     God to Man:             "So she could love you back!"
                   
     Why did God create Man before creating Woman?  As the rough draft for the
     Ultimate Masterpiece!
                  
     If diamonds are a girl's best friend and dogs are a man's, which sex is
     the dumber?
                 
     Single women complain that all good men are married.
                
     Married women complain about their lousy husbands.
               
     Conclusion? There ain't no such critter as a worthwhile guy!
              
     Ever noticed just how many women's problems are rooted in the male
     gender?  For example:
             
     MENstruation
     MENopause
     GUYnaecology
     HIMorrhoids
     MENtal breakdown
            
     What's the difference between Government Bonds and men? Government Bonds
     mature eventually!
           
     What's the difference between a man and E.T.?   At least E.T. 'phones
     home sooner or later!
          
     Why are men like noodles?  They lack taste, are always in hot water and
     always need dough!
         
     Why do guys aspire to a BMW?  They want to drive a name they can spell?
        
     What's the link between anniversaries and toilet seats?  Men usually miss
     both!
       
     Why are men like popcorn?  They can sometimes satisfy you - but never for
     very long!
        
     The connection between men and spray paint? One squeeze and both are all
     over a girl!
      
     Why is a man like a Food Blender?  A girl knows she will need one but is
     never quite sure why".
      
     The reason food is better than any man?  A girl needn't wait an hour or
     more for seconds!
      
     Why do so many women fake orgasm?  For the same reason so many men fake
     foreplay!
       
     What do you call a man who looks for hanky-panky on the second date?  A
     gentlemen ~ but a bit slow to say the least!
      
     What's the difference between men and pigs?  Pigs don't turn into men
     when they drink!
      

Thanks to: Brian Buckner


Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge.

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out.

There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!

Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them... really.

Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something) . . .

































What is:

































1+5






































2+4







































3+3










4+2











5+1











Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for
15 seconds. then scroll down.













QUICK!!!
THINK OF A VEGETABLE!
Then arrow down.













Keep going.









You're thinking of a carrot right?

If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else.

98% of people will answer with "carrot" when given this exercise.

Thought you carrot juicers and vegans might find this one interesting.

Freaky, huh?

Thanks to: Brian Buckner


EXCERPT FROM ONE OF BRITAIN'S UPMARKET NATIONAL NEWSPAPERS

European Auxiliary Language to Proceed

The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as "EuroEnglish" ("Euro" for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. At the same time, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesessary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ps.
(Kum bak Esperanto - plis!)

Thanks to: Brian Buckner


Chill Factors

At degrees Fahrenheit:

New York Times News Service

60:
California residents put on sweaters (if they can find one).
50:
Miami residents turn on the heat.
45:
Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
40:
35:
Italian cars don't start.
32:
Water freezes.
30:
You plan your vacation to Australia.
25:
20:
15:
10:
You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5:
American cars don't start.
0:
Alaska residents put on T-shirts.
-10:
-15:
-20:
-25:
-30:
-40:
-50:
-80:

AND AT:

-90:
Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

Jump back to surfing.

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Last revised September 3, 2001.

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Duane Bristow (oldky@kyphilom.com)

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