Kentucky Humor and Mental Puzzles

by Duane Bristow

Paw Paw's stories copyright 1995 by Duane Bristow


Duane Bristow's stories, legal cases collected by Judge Eddie Lovelace, and other humor collected by Duane Bristow over the last twenty five years as well as some mental puzzles.
Duane Bristow
duane@kyphilom.com

Contents


PawPaw's Stories

Among the families in our part of Kentucky it is common for the grandfather, often called PawPaw by the grandchildren, to tell stories to the children and to anyone else who will listen. These are sometimes handed down family stories, sometimes local folklore, and sometimes loosely based on actual occurrences in community life. Here are a few of ours:


Once a neighbor woman asked Grandma Hopper why she didn't let her children go down to play in Potts creek with the other children in the neighborhood. Grandma replied, "I won't let any of my kids go near the water until they learn to swim. It's too dangerous!"
After Grandma Harlan's death Aunt Edna was left to live in the house alone. Once in the early fall I asked her if she had bought her heating coal for the winter. "I bought one ton.", she said. "But it'll take me four or five tons to get through the winter."

"Why then,", I asked, "didn't you just buy enough to last until spring?"

"Why, I might die before spring," she exclaimed, "and not need that much."


When I was a small boy I would ride to town with my dad once or twice a week to get farm supplies or parts. On the way to town was a small house where a large family lived. I was not yet a teenager, and so, did not understand the ways of teen aged boys. I noticed each time we went by this house that one of the boys would be sitting in the old car parked in front of the house. I know now that they simply went out there to get away from the family and listen to the car radio. Then, though, I asked my dad, "Why is one of the boys always sitting in that old car."

"Why, because", said Dad, "that their family is so large that they won't all fit in that house at once, and so, they have to take turns sitting in the car."


Charlie lives on our farm and is sort of a foreman and all around farm helper. He and I build quite a lot of fences on occasion and put a lot of wooden posts in holes in the ground. We dig the post holes about two feet deep and twelve feet apart. It's hard work.

This summer some oil speculators came around and paid me for rights to drill a hole to explore for oil in the back field up next to Sewell mountain. In a couple of weeks they brought in a drilling rig and in four days had drilled a hole about eight inches in diameter 1,875 feet into the ground. They hit lots of rock and no oil.

Charlie looked at the hole and said, "You know, if we were to cut that up into two foot lengths, we'd have over 900 fence post holes and that would build a lot of fence." After discussion for a while Charlie and I decided that if we ever again leased for oil, we'd have it in the lease that if no oil was hit the oil men would be required to cut the hole into fence post hole lengths.


I told the oil men that if we didn't hit oil, it would be my fault. "How do you figure that?", one asked.

"Well, you see", I said, "Charlie and I have worked together for years and we jointly make decisions like when to mow hay so it doesn't get wet or when to sow the tobacco beds. If something went wrong and the hay got wet or the tobacco plants got frost bitten, we'd argue about who made the decision and was to blame. We finally decided that arguing about blame was foolish and that from then on we'd just take turns taking the blame. A cow died the other day and Charlie took the blame, so it's my turn next."


Charlie said, "If I can't catch the sick calf to treat it, then it isn't sick enough to need treatment anyway."
Charlie needed help stripping tobacco in the fall one year, so he hired three women who were temporarily laid off from their jobs at the local garment factory. Charlie told them that he would pay them by the hour. The day they arrived was a cool, windy, rainy fall day and Charlie and the women went to the barn about a mile back in the fields at the foot of Sewell mountain. We had the barn hanging full of tobacco, so they made a table to strip tobacco in the main hallway. Since the barn hallway was open the wind passed down the length of it. Charlie said that as long as you kept working it wasn't too uncomfortable but if you got still for very long it became downright cold. Noon came and Charlie told the women to quit for lunch. So Charlie and the three women sat down in the barn with their backs to the barn wall to eat the brown bag lunches they had brought with them. Since it was cold everyone ate fast and they were finished in about ten minutes. Charlie was anxious to get back to work because it would be warmer working. So he got up and said, "Let's get back to stripping tobacco." "No", said the women, "at the shirt factory we always get an hour for lunch and we intend to have it."

"So", Charlie said, "they sat there for an hour in the cold while I stripped tobacco. They knew they weren't getting paid for sitting and they were cold. But they were entitled to an hour for lunch and they weren't going to let anyone beat them out of it."


Neighbor, Lillie Johnson, said that she didn't enjoy her visit to Disney World because there were so many people there speaking foreign languages. She knew they were talking about her. Otherwise, why wouldn't they have just spoken in English? As she said, "They are not of our kind."
A young man named Earl worked on the farm for a while several years ago. At that time we would clean out fencerows and wood lots in the spring and fall and cut the trees into firewood length. We would then stack the firewood and sell it in the winter. Anytime a winter storm was predicted we would get several calls from people who had suddenly noticed that they were about out of wood and needed an urgent delivery before the snow flew. I would take the orders by phone and get the directions for delivery and Earl would load the truck, deliver the wood and collect the money.

One day I sent Earl with a load of wood to a house in the Nolan subdivision in town. A few minutes after he left I got a call from a local lawyer. He, too, wanted a load of firewood. I explained that the truck was now making a delivery but that I would send him a load as soon as it returned.

About twenty minutes later the lawyer called back. "How'd you do that?", he said.

"What?", I replied.

"Why, deliver that wood so soon. As I hung up the phone from talking to you a few minutes ago, your truck pulled into my driveway and the young man said that he had a load of wood for me that you had sent."

After he returned Earl and I figured out that he had misunderstood the instructions and had gone to the wrong street in the subdivision and to the third brick house on that street. It turned out to be the lawyer's house and he was just placing his wood order as Earl pulled into his driveway. After that we had a reputation for prompt service for quite some time.


Earl was never one to put stuff away. One day he watered the hogs and left the water hose stretched from the water faucet across the dirt farm road to the hog pen. Later that morning I told Earl to go disk the tobacco ground. He hitched the disk to the tractor and tore off down the farm road toward the tobacco field. He didn't see the hose until he had run the disk over it and cut it into about 16, eight inch lengths.

That made Earl so mad that he stopped the tractor, got off, and spent the next five minutes kicking the disk. I guess the disk was kind of stupid to have run over that hose.


One day after Earl had made a mistake he commented, "What I don't know would fill a book."

"Maybe even two books.", I allowed.


Charlie said he knew a number of young men who went to Nashville, "looking for work, afraid they'd find it."
Charlie's teen aged grandson, Hank, wanted to work to make some spending money so Charlie gave him several odd jobs around the farm to do. The dirt had settled above a water line we had installed leaving a hole about the size of a couple of five gallon buckets. Charlie told Hank to fill in the hole so no one would stick a leg into it or drive into it. Later that day Charlie checked the job. He said, "Hank did a good job filling in the hole, but when I looked around there was another hole the same size in the old tobacco bed nearby." It seems Hank got the dirt to fill one hole by digging another identical one.
Cecil and his cousin Silas lived in our neighborhood. Cece and Si decided that they'd go off to truck driving school in Cincinnati so they could learn to make a better living for themselves.

One day the instructor asked Cece a hypothetical question. He asked, "Cecil, suppose you are driving your heavily loaded semi and you have started down a long hill. You push on your brakes and find you have none. You look at the bottom of the hill and see an intersection and a railroad track. A train is coming and a school bus full of children is approaching the intersection. Your truck is gaining speed and you can't stop. What will you do?"

Cece looked properly horrified. Then he answered, "I guess I'd reach over into the sleeper and wake up Si."

"Why would you do that?", the instructor wondered.

"Well sir", Cece said, "Si ain't never seen no really bad wreck!"


Si met a girl in Cincinnati and decided to marry her. A local man warned him, "Si, don't you know she's made love to most of the men in Cincinnati."

"Well, that's not too bad.", Si allowed, "After all, Cincinnati ain't no really big town."


After returning to Albany, Si went to town one day to buy a chain for his chain saw. He went into Herschel Cross' Grocery and Hardware store and asked Mr. Cross the price of a chain. When told the price was eight dollars, he said, "That's too high! Jim Smith across the street priced it to me for seven dollars."

"Well", said Mr. Cross, "Why didn't you just buy it from him then?"

"Because he doesn't have any.", replied Si.

"I could sell it to you for six dollars if I didn't have any", said Mr. Cross, "but since I do have them the price is eight dollars."


For years Cecil drove to Burkesville, a town twenty miles from Albany, once a week to buy four plugs of chewing tobacco. It sold for a nickel less per plug in Burkesville than in Albany. He never knew or cared that the two gallons of gas he used going to Burkesville and back cost him fifty or sixty cents and he was only saving twenty cents. More important to him was not letting those Albany merchants cheat him out of that nickel.
After Uncle Herschel married Aunt Martha he noticed that whenever she cooked a roast she would prepare it by cutting off the end. He asked her why she did that. "Because", said Aunt Martha, "my mother always cut the end off and she taught me to do it that way." Uncle Herschel shrugged.

Sometime later Uncle Herschel and Aunt Martha went to her parents' home for Sunday dinner. When the roast was served Uncle Herschel noticed that the end had been cut off before it was cooked. Uncle Herschel asked Aunt Martha's mother why she did that. "Because", she said, "my mother always cut the end off and she taught me to do it that way." Uncle Herschel shrugged.

At Christmas Uncle Herschel and Aunt Martha were at the home of Aunt Martha's grandmother. Uncle Herschel was in the kitchen and noticed the grandmother cutting the end off a roast. Uncle Herschel asked why she did that. She replied, "When I first got married, we went out and bought utensils to set up housekeeping. I got a roast pan that was too small. So I've always had to cut the end off the roast to get it to fit in my pan."

Tradition!


At the barbershop one day the conversation turned to businessmen who had businesses on the courthouse square in the decades after World War II. One of these was Mr. Tallent, a cobbler. That's a shoe repairman for you people too young to know the word, "cobbler". There was a time when people could not afford to throw away their old shoes and buy new so they had them repaired and a person could actually make a living repairing shoes.

Anyway, Mr. Tallent always spoke softly and tended to repeat himself. At that time Fred Shearer from nearby Monticello had just opened a meat market on the square down the block and across the street from Mr. Tallent's shoe shop. Mr. Shearer came into Mr. Tallent's shop one day with a loose heel on his shoe and asked Mr. Tallent to fix it. So Mr. Shearer took off his shoe and Mr. Tallent nailed the heel back tightly in place.

Mr. Tallent handed the shoe to Mr. Shearer and said, "That'll be a nickel. That'll be a nickel."

Mr. Shearer stuck his hand into his pocket and suddenly realized that he didn't have any money with him. He said, "I don't have any money with me. I'll run across the street to my store and get your nickel."

Mr. Tallent said, "That's fine. Leave the shoe 'til you get the money. Just leave the shoe 'til you get the money."


Another time Jim Riley, another merchant with a store on the town square, came into Mr. Tallent's shop to get his broken dog collar repaired. Mr. Tallent sewed the collar together and said, "That'll be fifty cents. That'll be fifty cents."

Mr. Riley handed him a dollar and Mr. Tallent gave him fifty cents change. Mr. Riley turned to leave the shop and sticking his hand into his pocket pulled out the fifty cents. He turned to Mr. Tallent and said, "I didn't realize I had fifty cents. Here, I'll just give you the fifty cents and you can return my dollar."

Mr. Tallent did.

Later that day Mr. Tallent must have thought the transaction over because when he closed his shop that afternoon, he immediately went into Jim Riley's store mad as a wet hen. He walked up to Jim Riley and said, "You didn't pay me a cent, didn't pay me a cent."


Parrott Partin was a forestry aide and crew leader from Bell County. One hot summer day he took a ten man prison crew from the Bell County Forestry Camp to clean out brush under the electric line leading to Beech Fork fire tower on a mountain top in Leslie County. That afternoon as I walked out of the office Parrot and his crew pulled into the parking lot. The prisoners piled out of the crew truck and gathered around Parrot's pickup. They were still carrying the double bit axes and brush axes they had been using on the mountainside that day. I walked by to see what was going on. Inside the truck bed lay a large rattlesnake literally cut to pieces. The prisoners, mostly from the streets of Louisville and scared to death of being in the woods, smiled proudly. "We found this snake on the mountain.", Parrot spoke slowly as was his way. "You know", he drawled, "rattlesnakes can't hardly stand them axes."

That's the only time I have ever felt sorry for a rattlesnake. It had the misfortune to be in the path of ten scared hardened criminals all carrying axes and other cutting tools.


Mattie Riddle was an old mountain woman, a widow, who lived at the back of our farm up next to Sewell Mountain. She grew tobacco and a garden. When she didn't have a mule she would pull the plow herself to plow the garden. She once walked two miles across Sewell mountain before daybreak to buy a couple of 40 pound pigs. She put the pigs in a burlap sack and carried them the two miles back across the mountain.

Mattie said that she had noticed all her life that the rows on the outside of the tobacco patch always had much smaller tobacco than the interior rows and so they weren't worth much. She said she figured that this year she would just leave the outside rows off and not set them in plants since they never did very well anyway.


Mattie and her sister, Lizzie Daniel, had a falling out with Perry Cash back in the 1930s. Perry Cash owned our farm at that time. Mattie and Lizzie brought charges against Perry. They said he had been shooting at them. On the witness stand Cash's attorney asked Lizzie how she knew that Perry was shooting at them. Lizzie said, "Well I was a hoeing corn and I looked up and seed the bullet a comin' straight at me. If'n I hadn't ducked, it would've hit me right betwixt the eyes."

Perry was acquitted.


When Grandma Davis died and the women were going through her house to figure out what to sell and what to keep, they found a plastic bag containing hundreds of pieces of string from 1 to 10 or 12 inches in length. Grandma had neatly labeled the bag, "Pieces of string too short to keep."
My dad said that when he went to Indiana to visit Grandma once he was staying with her for a few days. One day he decided to go out to visit some friends of his. When he returned to Grandma's house, she had left on an errand and all the doors were locked so he couldn't get in. It was no problem though because he found a sheet of note paper taped to the window of the front door where he would be sure to see it. The message on the paper said, "Jesse, the key is in the mailbox".
Mama always stored apples in the top of the springhouse in the fall. She piled them in sawdust. The warmth of the water from the spring beneath and the cover provided by the sawdust on top would keep the apples from freezing during the winter. Every few days she would go to the springhouse to get apples to cook in desserts and to eat with meals. She would always pick those apples for meals that didn't look like they would keep much longer, usually those with rotten spots already beginning, so that they wouldn't rot and be wasted. The net effect of this was that we spent the whole winter eating apples that were almost rotten even though there were lots of good apples in the springhouse.
Due to new regulations imposed by the state it became necessary for the local school board to impose a 3% utility tax on water, gas, and electric usage in the county. Some people became angry about the tax so the school superintendent and the school board held a public meeting to explain the reasons for the tax.

At the meeting a local businessman rose to criticize the tax and the school board. He said, "These people are trying to pull the wool over your eyes, folks. They say they are only imposing a 3% tax on us. But anybody knows that a 3% tax on electric, and a 3% tax on water, and a 3% tax on gas actually adds up to a 9% tax." As the superintendent told me later, "That guy learned his math in the local school system, too."


Aunt Mae says that the tomatoes she grew this year were awfully good because they didn't have any seeds so she will be sure to save seeds from them this fall so she can grow the same kind next year.
When they told Hazel Jones that a group of Zen Buddhists had bought a farm and moved into the county, she remarked, "Well, I don't know what a Zen Buddhist is but as long as they read the King James Version of the Bible they're fine with me. I won't have anything to do with people who don't read the King James Version though."
Last names around here can sometimes lead to interesting businesses. Two that come to mind are the "Breeding Hotel" in Monticello and "Strange Live Bait" in Burkesville.

ATTENTION BURGLARS!

Please take a moment to read this before continuing your work.

We have made a few changes since you were here the last time.

First we replaced some of the stuff you took last time, so you can get a new TV, VCR and Ninetendo game this time. Sorry you had to settle for older stuff before.

Jewelry! You got all the valuable stuff last time. My wife decided to carry with her whatever she has from now on, so if you want jewelry, you will have to find out where we are and break into my car. It will probably be in there.

She says to tell you that the pillow case you took to carry stuff in last time was part of a matched set of pillow cases and sheets. This time please get one that doesn't match or take the whole set so the insurance company can just replace everything. If she remembers she will have an unmatched one laid out for you to find. That way you won't have to mess up her bed.

I can't figure out why you took all my underwear last time, but if you need more, please leave me one set so I can wear clean underwear to town to buy replacements. Thanks.

Cash - There ain't much. Since we're gone, we're probably shopping and took most of it with us. You might find some in the piggy bank in my son's room.

I never did collect old guns or knives, so you're out of luck there. A neighbor a few miles down the road has a pretty good collection though. You might try his house. I did have some old coins but if you want to get more from me you'll have to give the ones I have now some more time to age.

If you came in through the window again, it is OK to just unlock the door and leave that way. It makes it a lot easier to get stuff out. By the way, thanks for not messing up or breaking anything you don't have to. And please close the door when you leave. That'll keep out the cold if its winter and the insects if it's summer.

If you get company, it's probably just the neighbors. I asked them to help me keep an eye on the house and stop by to visit if they saw any strangers around. They might be able to answer any questions you have about the neighborhood.

After your last visit I let some fast talking salesman talk me into buying one of those burglar alarm systems. It's probably a rip-off. He showed me how to install it. It's supposed to be sound activated. If you have made any noise at all, like breaking a window, talking, etc., It should have already placed a phone call to the sheriff's office and let them know that I'm being robbed. Don't let it worry you though. I doubt if the damned thing will work. Even if it does I don't know if the sheriff will pay any attention. Even if he does, he probably won't be in a hurry to get here and it will take him at least ten minutes to get here anyway. Oh, be sure to allow yourself enough time to get out of the driveway (it's pretty long.) and out to the main road before he gets here. Otherwise he may get your license number.


Kentucky Law Cases

These excerpts from legal opinions were collected during his law research by Judge Eddie C. Lovelace of Albany, Kentucky.

The Value of A Hound

SILER, Justice.

J. L. Strattout the appellee, recovered judgment against Tennessee Valley Authority, a corporation generally known as TVA, the appellant, for $200 in damages for the loss of a foxhound. TVA moved for an appeal.

As a ground for reversal of the judgment, it is now contended that prejudicial error was committed by the trial court's failure to direct a verdict for TVA.

Stratton, the owner of a blueblooded bitch, a foxhound of the first water, went fox hunting on TVA property on the first Saturday night of May, 1946. In the glory of this chase, the hound fell into an open well and was drowned. The top part of the well had been removed by TVA so that the well was just a hole in the ground, partly obscured by vegetation. No warning sign marked the location of the open well. Although this hound was a good one, she had not been licensed. And Stratton said she fell to her death in the early part of Sunday morning, an illegal time for hunting, the chase having continued through the better part of the entire night as frequently occurs in this pastime. Stratton had been in the habit of hunting over this TVA property, even occasionally going in company with TVA employees. Hunting had not been forbidden and every one knew hunters were perfectly welcome on this property.

[1] As all lawyers realize, three things must be alleged and proven in order to justify submission of an ordinary tort case to a trial jury for its discretionary verdict, viz., (a) damages, (b) negligence, (c) causal connection between the damages and the negligence.

[2] As to the first essential, we are quick to recognize that Stratton proved damages. In the great fraternity of fox hunters, a man's hound is a pearl of considerable price. A common man may freely enjoy without tax or ticket the open air symphony of the melodious harmony of a pack of hounds on a cool, clear night and therein find that life is good if not somewhat glorious. He often recognizes the distinct voice of his own dog and takes pardonable pride in the leadership of that dog running out there ahead of all the rest. He does not need psychic power to know that "Old Queenie" is really leading the whole outfit. The hound that runs the bushytail with enthusiasm is just a little lower in the fox hunter's affections than his children. And although habitual fox hunters toil but little and spin but spasmodically, yet Solomon in his palmiest days never had more of the wealth of real happiness than one of these fox hunters, a wealth to which the hound makes a mighty contribution. Sometimes a man goes fox hunting just for the music, sometimes he goes for surcease from unhappy home life, sometimes he goes in pure pride over the "best dog in the whole country." But under any of these conditions, the hound is worth its price and there is always a ready market for the ugliest flop-ear that ever ran a ridge, provided it has the skill, staying qualities and power to deliver the goods in a real race. Stratton had plenty of damage and we have no doubt that he proved it in a satisfactory way.

As to the second essential, we rather reluctantly meet our duty of saying that Stratton proved no negligence on the part of TVA. This reluctance springs from the fox hunting proclivities of some members of our court. Some of us are also fox hunters.

[3] The law, however, is well established in a case of this kind. Such established law recognizes that an owner of premises owes no duty to licensees except the duty of refraining from any wilful act of injury. Cummings' Admx. v. Paducah Grain & Elevator Co., 190 Ky. 70, 226 S.W. 345. Such established law also recognizes that a licensee must take the property of his license just as he finds it. Bales v. L. & N. R. Co., 179 Ky. 207, 200 S.W. 471.

[4] A license is an "authority of liberty given to do or forbear any act; permission to do something, etc." An invitation, on the other hand, is a "solicitation." See Merriam-Webster Unabridged Dictionary.

[5,6] If Stratton had been an invitee instead of a mere licensee, TVA would have owed him and his hound greater duty, a duty of using ordinary care to keep its premises in safe condition. See Bridgford v. Stewart Dry Goods Co., 191 Ky. 557, 231 S.W. 22. But a person is not considered an invitee, as the term is ordinarily employed, when he is on premises for his own purpose rather than for some purpose beneficial to the owner of such premises. Sage's Admr. v. Creech Coal Co., 194 Ky. 415, 240 S.W. 42.

[7] All evidence on this trial indicates that Stratton was permitted rather than solicited to hunt on TVA property. Likewise, all of such evidence indicates that Stratton's hunting was done for the benefit of himself and his eager hound rather than for that of TVA. Therefore, Stratton and his good hound were licensees, not invitees, on the occasion of this chase. And so, TVA owed them no duty except that of refraining from any act of willful injury against them. And under these circumstances, the trial court should have directed a verdict for TVA.

It is not necessary to consider the third essential of this cause nor the unlicensed condition of Stratton's hound nor the illegality of his Sunday hunting on this occasion.

Wherefore, the motion for an appeal is sustained and the judgment is, for the reason recited, now reversed with directions for further proceedings consistent herewith.


Age and Incapacity

"They urge that he was old, which is true, but age alone does not imply incapacity. Galileo, the astronomer, Bancroft, the historian, Goethe, the poet, Lamark, the naturalist, Verdi, the musical composer, and Spencer, the philosopher, produced their masterpieces when in their later seventies and early eighties. Titian painted one of his greatest pictures when he was ninety-eight; Hindenburg, the warrior and statesman, is now president of the German empire at eighty-three; Clemenceau was writing his memoirs when he was eighty-six; Justice Holmes is giving active and distinguished service on this nation's Supreme Court at ninety; and Thomas A. Edison, now past eighty-three, is producing original scientific work."


Girl Watching

The appellant, James L. Delk, a minister of the Nazarine Revival Mission, while preaching to a large audience at Science Hill, Pulaski County, in November, 1914, used the following language: "Some men will stand around the depot, stores, the post office, and street corners, and watch the women pass, and size them up; the foot, ankle and form, and they would be willing to give five dollars for the fork."

For using these words appellant was convicted and fined $67.50 for having committed a breach of the peace, under a warrant issued by the judge of the Pulaski County court. Appellant appealed to the circuit court, and upon a trial in that forum, the appellant was again found guilty and fined $62.50 and the costs.


Marriage to a Jealous Woman

These parties were married on April 14, 1913. Their ages do not appear in the record, but they met while Grover G. Sales was a student at Harvard, and were married in less than two years after his graduation, from which we infer they were both young people of near the same age. They are both members of the Jewish race and of that religious belief. Both are well educated. The husband is a lawyer, and the wife has studied law and contemplated taking up the practice of that profession. So we find them embarking on their married life with every prospect of success and happiness. Happiness failed to follow. They have lived a tempestuous life, and this is the eighth time they have separated. The trial court found and we find that the wreck of this marriage resulted from certain traits of character on the part of Mrs. Sales, and that she was at fault. She felt that she was made of a trifle better clay than he; that she had married beneath herself; and that she was better than her husband's family, and said so in her testimony. She felt that she was more intelligent than he, and frequently told him of these things. He testified that she was constantly berating him and abusing his family; that she called his mother the vilest of names and accused her of running a disorderly house; that when she attended the funeral of Mr. Sales' father, she was so infuriated by the eulogy pronounced that she said the Rabbi ought to be run out of the temple. She told Mr. Sales that he would never be any good; that a silk purse cannot be made out of a sow's ear, and made other remarks of that ilk. She was of a jealous disposition, and of such Shakespeare says in Othello, act 3, scene 3:

"Trifles, light as air,
"Are to the jealous confirmations strong
"As proofs of holy writ."

Mr. Sales testified that his wife kept him under constant espionage. If some woman client telephoned him, she would accuse him of something wrong. If he left home to go any place, she would telephone to see if he was there. If he went to the drug store and stayed over ten minutes she would accuse him of going some other place. If he was seen with a woman on the streets, she would accuse him of the most awful things. In her saner moments, when friends talked with her about what she was doing, she would admit there was no truth in these accusations. She would say it was just her disposition, and promise to amend, but when next she was aroused, she would reiterate and reaffirm it all. He gave his stenographer a Christmas gift, and they had trouble over that. She made him give an account of every place he went. The suspicion of relations with other women she kept over him all the time. She accused him before his children. She nagged him on this subject all the time. He lived in constant dread. There are in this record letters written by her in which she refers to him as a "jackass" and other such terms. As counsel for one of the departments of the government of the city of Louisville, it became his duty to take steps to close a certain show because of its salacious character, and he did so. About that time he missed a diamond pin, and for two months she accused him of giving it to one of the girls on the stage, until the pin was found in the home. In her tantrums she would threaten to commit suicide, and she staged some scenes in which she pretended to have taken something, and the neighbors were called in. Mr. Sales has only one brother, and if he went to his brother's home, she would accuse him of going to see his brother's wife. Mrs. Sales did not speak to Mr. Sales' mother or his brother, his brother's wife, or to his niece, and so testified, and added that none of them could come into her home. She refused to speak to his friends and to neighbors who treated him courteously. She would go to her husband's office, and go through his files. She would station herself there, and give directions to the stenographers that she would answer the telephone, and she would do so. She so conducted herself that one of Mr. Sales' stenographers left his employment. She would follow him about to see where he went and what he did. There is no need of going further into the evidence. This clearly shows who is to blame. In her evidence, Mrs. Sales admits the truth of most of her husband's testimony. Other parts of it she denies, but denies it in such a way that her denial is not impressive, and her husband's testimony is so supported by other witnesses in the case as to make it credible. Mrs. Sales says that her husband was irritable and nervous. A man kept in terror as he was, could not be otherwise. His home was to him a place of dread and terror, instead of rest and repose, and the close of his day's work meant the renewal of the conflict. Jealousy is a strange thing. It has caused more human wretchedness than all the wars, pestilences, and other disasters the world has known. In all the animals of recorded time, there is not one case in which one thing has been gained or one love preserved by yielding to the sin of jealousy, yet any lawyer, after just a few years' practice, can tell of instance after instance where he has had related to him experiences so similar that about the only change is the locus et personae dramatis. Men have written descriptions of the horrors of war, the ruin wrought by pestilence, and the wretchedness of slaves, but no one has ever written on jealousy. Those who have experienced the wretchedness of life with a jealous spouse have found it beyond their power in language to describe, and, were some genius in words to picture such a woe, it would be beyond the powers of those who have not had that experience to understand. This is one phase of human misery that is and must forever remain to the initiate, utterly indescribable; to the uninitate, absolutely incomprehensible. Out of the abundance of his wisdom and the numerosity of his matrimonial experiences, Solomon was best prepared to speak on this subject. In six words he summed up and said it all, "Jealousy is cruel as the grave." Songs of Solomon, viii: 6. The conduct of Mrs. Sales toward her husband was cruelty beyond description. The bonds of marriage that bind one to such a spouse are veritable chains that are heavy, though they clank not, and gall forever.


Death and Life

It is ever difficult for those of us who have lost dear ones to have the proper perspective of death, or for those of us who are living, yet knowing that ere long we will join the innumerable multitude who sleep in the bosom of the earth, to have a definite idea as to how we would like to be regarded by those we will leave behind. To me the scheme of the thing was well expressed by Kim Malthe-Bruun, a seventeen year old, unschooled Danish lad. Kim in his fight for a free world had joined the Danish underground, was captured by the Nazis and condemned to death. On the night before his execution on the coming morn he wrote his young sweetheart, "Promise me this-- which you owe to everything I have lived for--that never will you let the thought of me come between you and life."

Regardless of how great is our loss by death, we must never let thoughts of our departed loved ones come between us and life. We owe it to the dead, to the living, to ourselves, to our families and friends, to carry on and not give away to moping or morbid thoughts.

Knowing Judge Fulton intimately for a long number of years and admiring his philosophy and courage as a judge and as a man, it may be appropriate to close these remarks with the words of Tennyson:

"Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea.

"Twilighted and evening bell,
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness or farewell,
When I embark."


Marriage and Celibacy

This marriage of the Corrigans began on June 18, 1934, and it continued in effect for nearly 12 years. They are both members of the Catholic faith. No child has ever been born to their union. Corrigan's position with one of the leading Louisville banks pays him a salary of only $220 monthly and therefore this couple has never succeeded in accumulating any property and has continually lived in modest circumstances.

In support of her charge of cruel and inhuman treatment, Mrs. Corrigan produced evidence tending to show that her husband had fallen into the habit of staying out most of the night on many nights, staying out the entire night on some occasions, staying away from home in poker games until late in the night or until early in the morning a few times, staying out long hours at night sometimes and then coming home full of beer, whiskey, raw onions or limburger. Her evidence showed that he would often call and say he was coming home and that he would then fail to arrive. And sometimes, as she stated, she would ask him where he had been and he would, by way of reply, only look at her. These were typical elements and instances of Corrigan's cruel treatment of her and they undoubtedly were, if accepted as true, sufficient to support Mrs. Corrigan's claim for divorce.

On the other hand, the former husband related that although he and Mrs. Corrigan got married 12 years ago, yet they never became one flesh. He said, in substance, that she was as cold as an Arctic snowdrift and that the marriage status between them was continually nominal in character rather than actual. He said that her love, if any, for him was always Platonic and that he was never once able to sell to her the idea of the desirability of a coition with him. He pointed to their childless condition as evidence sustaining his assertions. He explained that he continued this sexless marriage because he never quite abandoned his illusion of hope for a happier, more successful, future relationship and also because his religious conviction uncompromisingly denounced any thought of a divorcement of this marriage. He furthermore explained that before he ever understood his legal rights under these circumstances and before he had even mentioned Mrs. Corrigan's unwifely attitude of 12 years' standing to his attorney, he had executed their separation agreement which he says should now be vitiated by the court in this litigation.

By way of rebuttal, Mrs. Corrigan categorically, emphatically and repeatedly denied all of the evidence produced by her husband and his witnesses relating to any unwifely attitude on her part at any time. Their marital adventures began, she said, at the rate of three weekly experiences and continued without termination clear into the month of November preceding their final separation in December. And she also produced her own family physician who has examined her, has found her normal, has found every indication that hers has been an average married woman's sex life.

Thus, both the chancellor and this court have been faced with very conflicting evidence in this case relating to the serious questions at issue. She alleged and sufficiently proved a cause of divorce. He alleged but did not prove his malformation-impotence charge against her, but he did allege and also proved an abandonment charge against her, because this court has held that a renunciation of the true, normal, regular marital relationship by one spouse against the other constitutes an abandonment under the divorce law. See Evans v. Evans, 247 Ky. 1, 56 S. W. 2d 547; McQuinn v. McQuinn, 110 Ky. 321, 328, 61 S. W. 358.

But now the husband wants us, in dealing with this alimony question, to accept his story and to reject hers pertaining to this marriage relationship. To do this would have the effect of confirming as a normal probability the continuation by a husband for more than a decade in a marriage that was never anything but a sort of mockery. And yet, we are bound to realize that a 12 year continuity of such a situation would be contrary to all the natural probabilities. In marriage or even in a mere cohabitation without marriage, conjugal love has a very great cohesive power. Platonic love has none. King Solomon had 700 wives and he "clave unto these in love," but he would certainly have walked out on the whole bunch before breakfast had they renounced normal conjugality with him. Julius Caesar happily cohabited with Cleopatra, but he doubtless would have turned a sour face upon the Egyptian palace in short order had she sent him out to the barn to find a bed. Old man Franklin, Benjamin's father, sired and reared 17 children while living with Mrs. Franklin, but the world might still be groping around in the darkness of an unelectrified age, deprived of all the richness of that kite flyer's great life, had his mother merely lectured on Platonic love to her husband, because Mr. Franklin, under such conditions, would perhaps have caught a fast schooner for Georgia in search of some buxom belle with the sultry emotions of the deep south. Continuity of marriage for 12 years or 2 years or even 1 year without a coition of the parties is so abnormal, unnatural and improbable that we must consider that the chancellor was fully justified in rejecting this husband's evidence that this marriage lasted 12 long years in absolute continence.


Dere Mr. Ralerode

This is a reprint of an item from a 1937 edition of the "Kentucky State Bar Journal."

Attorney Edwin L. Cohen of Louisville gave me the item in hopes that readers would enjoy it, and apparently you have. It seems that when the Paducah, Tennessee and Alabama Railroad was built through Marshall, Calloway and other Western Kentucky and West Tennessee counties, it traversed an almost unbroken forest and vast grazing lands teeming with cattle, hogs and other livestock, a great number of which were killed by trains, causing the railroad no end of trouble.

There was, at that time, a young attorney in Murray named Burrell B. Linn, a smooth-spoken, diplomatic and friendly chap, with a flair for getting along with farmers. Linn was retained as a claim agent for the railroad.

It is recorded that, back in the 1890s, when a train ran over and killed six people, he settled the entire claim out of court for $150 per person.

But at last he met his match, when a train struck a Tennessee farmer's pet bull. The following is said to be an exact copy of a letter the farmer wrote to the vice president of the railroad:

Mr. A. H. Dauchy, V. Prst. of yure ralerode;

Dere Sir:

This is the third letter I have writ you in regardst to my clame for enjury of my spotted bull, a pet of my fambly, which we named Daniel Webster, but which we called Buster for short.

I already told you twisct that yure trane hit my bull a-tween Holler Rock Junction and the second mile post comen this way. No reply from you except you sent me a blank to fill out -- and dam the blank. A Filerdelphia lawyer could not fill hit out.

As I said before frum whare the trane hit the bull it carried him a right smart peace beyond that pint. I tole you plane that the injine tore offen a peace of his hide averagen eight inches from his under lip then sorto zagonal over his shoulder and back, and then down his left side clear under to his nable on below part of his body.

The trane wheel also stripped off part of his hind hufes smack and smooth maken his fet very tender and sore so he can not walk good without me and my boy Joe holden him up with a pole when he travils to pond for water which is only about two rods off from where he is.

Before this axident he was a very threatening beast and mighty cantankerous. Since then he has a sad look and bawls most of the time, princepally at night disturbing us considerable. He don't eat scarcely anything except some dry meal because his jaws is mighty sore.

Tow of my nebors who I do not speak to say they will swar that this bull was struck by lighteen but they are a dam lie. He was hit by yure payoff speshial trane which come through my field a gallahooten at midnight of Mch. of the 20 with its whissle a screamen like hell.

Now if nothin was hitten by this trane why was it screamen like hell? You can't answer. Neither can they. Nor nobody.

Now lissen right clost. Me and Henry Hefferman has aprazed this bull of value at $eighteen dollars and six bits and he is as we say beyond doubtless a totle loss. Henry says he aint never saw sich damage to a bull in his day and time, and neither have I and my boy Joe says the same and we all say he will never be any more use for a bull hardly not even for befe.

So take notice of this. This is writ on Friday and maled on North bound trane. Onlessen I receve check in full . . . by a Thursday next I heard some people say that sum spikes are agoing to git loost from the rales of yure rode which will cause the rales to spred out when yure passenger trane number 104 cums along.

Then thar will be some big hedlines in the paducky papers saying that sum coches went into the barpit in my feld, that a injineer and farman were kilt and hurten sum passengers right bad and maybe yure dam conductor Aleck Fulton will get a leg broke or both legs and I don't give a dam for that either.

Further and more to that you nede not send that Pot bellied burl Linn yure clame agt. down here to settle with me and maybe talk me out of the whole buseness with honey words and honey words don't git no bakon at Stagners store over at Holler Rock Junction.

So you better send on the check as I advice you for I aint in no state of mind to be talked to or have my word disputen nor written you leters which don't git no answer.

P. S. Jest a slite hint. Effen you think you will git this case in Judge Harewoods cote you are offen your nut. Him and yure clame agt. is as thick as theves and I wuld sware him offen the bench in a minute for I seen him and yure clame agt. a playing pich trumps in Shorty Dugans sody warter place for sody warter they said but I guess it were for sumpin stronger for Shortys place aint nothen more or less than a salune and Shorty hisself saw this game if he will stick to what he said, which I very much doubt as burds of a fether always floch together in the cote house and I don't mean maybe.

Git that and git it good for you cant mess with me no longer.

The farmer got his check on the next train by special delivery, and claim agent Linn was later quoted as saying that if there had been air mail in those day, the check would have arrived within the hour.


Other Humorous Jokes and Stories

Why, when a person drives to the health club for a workout, does he always try to park as close to the front door as possible?

From Classified Ads in Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
----------------------------------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES. PART GERMAN SHEPHERD -
PART STUPID DOG
--------------------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
---------------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT.
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
******************************************
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
---------------------------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
-------------------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE.
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
-------------------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS
OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,
AUTO.
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 .
---------------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
---------------------------------------
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
---------------------------------------
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
---------------------------------------
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE
89 cents .
---- -----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
----------------------------------------
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3
BR
2 BATH HOME.
----------------------------------------
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
----------------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 .
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE.
----------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING.
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
----------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS.
-----------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER .
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
-----------------------------------------
GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL.
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
------------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
------------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
SLIGHTLY STAINED .
-------------------------------------------
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
-------------------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG.
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED.
$100
---------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF
100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER.
$300.
----------------------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
----------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO
REMEMBER.
----------------------------------------------
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
----------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE.
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON.
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
-----------------------------------------------
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
-----------------------------------------------
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN.
* $2.09 lb.
-----------------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA.
45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT CONDITION.
$1,000.00 OR BEST OFFER. NO LONGER NEEDED. GOT
MARRIED LAST WEEKEND. WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
-----------------------------------------------

Y1 Problem

The biggest scare in 4 b.c.:
"Civilization will collapse in just 4 years because we will run out of numbers."

Consider This


Following extracts are perfectly genuine taken from actual letters sent to Britain's Department of Health & Social Security. Although some read as rather crude, the senders wrote them in good faith.

1. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

2. I want some repairs doing to my gas cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. The toilet is blocked and we can't bathe the children until it is cleared.

4. The man next door has a large erection in his back garden. It is unsightly and very dangerous.

5. Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

6. Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a third - so will you please send somebody round to do something about it.

7. Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the cistern fell on his head.

8. Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have been visiting her regularly.

9. I need money to buy special medicine for my husband, as he is unable to masturbate his food.

10. In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer but with no results so far.

11. I am pleased to inform you that my husband, who was reported missing, is dead.

12. Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going into hospital to have her overtures out.

13. Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one of which is a mistake as you will see.

14. My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regularly but he finds he is lethargic to it.

15. Unless I get my husband's maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an immortal life.

16. The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about and I had them humanised.

17. Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord and the milkman.

18. You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?

19. Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.

20. In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

21. I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and he is doing me no good at all. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.

22. I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury Plain.

23. Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

24. Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are OK but those on the bottom are hurting dreadfully.

25. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a damn lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

26. I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due to contraceptional circumstances.

27. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

28. The Lavatory is blocked. The boys next door throwing their balls on the roof caused this.

29. This is just to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

30. The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?


Whose Job Is It?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that! After all, it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody because Nobody had wound up doing what Anybody could have done!


AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?


There was a young girl of Madrass,
Who had a most remarkable ass.
Not soft, round, and pink,
As you probably think,
But the kind with long ears that eats grass!

A Few Quotations:

Herb Caen:
"The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around."
Buckminster Fuller:
"Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering."
Edward P. Tryon:
"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
Unknown:
"A stitch in time would have confused Einstein."
Segal's Law:
"A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure."
Will Rogers:
"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."
Lisa Grossman:
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
Woody Allen:
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
Anonymous:
"Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working."
Bill Watterson, cartoonist:
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
E. B. White:
"Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time."
Oscar Wilde:
"I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated His ability."
Stephen Wright:
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
Mark Twain (1835-1910):
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
Carl Zwanzig:
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Douglas Adams:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Albert Einstein:
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

Children's Bible Knowledge Answers:


Not Happy Campers

The U. S. Forest Service received these actual comments from backpackers after wilderness camping trips. quoted by Tom Fitzgerald in San Francisco Chronicle

Miscellaneous

According to the caption under a picture of a new fire/rescue truck recently acquired by the local fire department, the truck included a 9,000 pound front mounted wench. Sounds like a piece of equipment that will make fire fighting more interesting.

From the imaginations of the people at NetSurfer's Digest:

"gullible" isn't in the dictionary, and you can confirm that by looking it up.

What do you suppose happened to the dinosaurs?
Probably wiped out by American 22nd century big game hunters.


Sally: If I don't get married soon, I'll wind up an old maid.
Tom: That sounds like fun. I think I'll wind one up too.

Joe's Chevron station on the corner advertises computer wheel balancing. I think I'll take my computer down there.

Seen on a tombstone: "I told you I was sick!"

Epitaphs:

Ma loved Pa.
Pa loved wimmin.
Ma caught Pa
With two in swimmin.
Here lies Pa.

Here lies John Morris.
He did his damnedest.
What more can a man do?

Here I lie
No wonder I'm dead
For a broad wheeled Waggon
Went over my Head.
Grim Death took me
Without a Warning
I was Well at Night
And Dead in the Morning
15 March 1797
Sevenoaks, England

In Memory of
Beza. Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
aged 45 yrs.

Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
is very good;
We cannot praise
The other.
Winslow, Maine, 1837

Here lies the body of Nichlos Round
Who was lost at sea and never found.
Great Yarmouth, England c. 1790

He called
Bill Smith
A liar.
Cripple Creek, Colorado c. 1875

Here Lies Joyce
She'd rather not
But no choice.

Ope'd my eyes
Took a peep.
Didn't like it
Went back to sleep.
found on a tombstone of a newborn in Ashby de la Zooch, England in 1949

Someone found this on a tombstone buried deep in the grass.
Pause, stranger, when you pass me by,
For as you are, so once was I.
As I am now, so will you be.
Then prepare unto death, and follow me.

Pushing the grass aside a bit more, he found the following scratched on the stone, done with a crude instrument:
To follow you I'm not content
Until I know which way you went!

Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates,
Who died Aug. the 6th, 1800.
His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street,
Has every qualification for a good wife,
And longs to be comforted.
Lincoln, Maine

We all have a debt
To nature due
I've paid mine
And so must you.
Rock Valley, Massachusets, circa 175-

From a graveyard in Aberdeen, Scotland
Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot
She was aye a virgin at seventeen
A remarkable thing in Aberdeen.

Here lies my poor wife,
Without bed or blankit,
But dead as a door-nail,
God be thankit.

To the four husbands of Miss Ivy Saunders

1790, 1794, 1808, 18??
Here lies my husbands, One, Two, Three
Dumb as men could ever be
As for my Fourth, well, praise be God
He bides for a little above the sod
Alex, Ben, Sandy were the
First three names
And to make things tidy
I'll add his - James.

California

Here lies my wife.
Here let her lie!
Now she's at rest
And so am I.


Yogi isms - by Yogi Berra

I really didn't say everything I said.

If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them.

It's like deja-vu, all over again.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four.

It ain't over 'til it's over.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Tom Seaver: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

We have deep depth.

Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

On being told by the wife of New York Mayor, John V. Lindsay, that he looked cool despite the heat.
You don't look so hot, either.


The Wisdom of Casey Stengel

I broke in with four hits and the writers promptly declared they had seen the new Ty Cobb. It took me only a few days to correct that impression.

All right, everybody line up alphabetically according to your height.

I made up my mind, but I made it up both ways.

Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.

On players who did not drink:
It only helps them if they can play.

Good pitching will always stop good hitting, and vice versa.

The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.

On winning the 1958 World Series:
I couldna done it without my players.

On being asked how the Mets were doing:
Well, we've got this Johnny Lewis in the outfield. They hit a ball to him yesterday, and he turned left, then he turned right, then he went straight back and caught the ball. He made three good plays in one. And Greg Goossen, he's only twenty and with a good chance in ten years he'll be thirty.

On being asked about his future in the spring of 1965:
How the hell should I know? Most of the people my age are dead. You could look it up.


I saw a victim of Hurricane Fran being interviewed on TV. Surveying the wreckage of his North Carolina community he said, "It looks like a tornado went through here." That's like saying, "I'm so proud of the gold medal I won, I think I'll have it bronzed."

THE GIFT

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new Sweetheart's birthday. As they had not been dating very long, it was difficult. After careful consideration a pair of gloves would be appreciated, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his Sweetheart's sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of brown gloves, the sister purchased a pair of knickers for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the young man got the knickers. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his Sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

"These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

"I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time as, no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

"When you take them off, remember to blow them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

"Just think how many times I will kiss them in the upcoming year. I hope you will wear them on Friday night for me.

PS. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."


Subject: girlfriend.exe

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program.

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.


Painting The Porch

A fellow in a well-to-do neighborhood was painting his house, when a man approached asking if he could earn a few dollars. The fellow thought about it for a minute, and said, "Sure, take a can of this paint, go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch."

An hour later the man returned, saying he was finished. Surprised, the fellow said, "Already?"

"Yes", the man said, "but it wasn't a Porsche, it was a Mercedes !"


BC

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the accoustics are marvelous even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.


Men and Women

Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God to Man: "So you would love her."

Man to God: "But why did you make her so dumb?

God to Man: "So she could love you back!"

Why did God create Man before creating Woman? As the rough draft for the Ultimate Masterpiece!

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and dogs are a man's, which sex is the dumber?

Single women complain that all good men are married.

Married women complain about their lousy husbands.

Conclusion? There ain't no such critter as a worthwhile guy!

Ever noticed just how many women's problems are rooted in the male gender? For example:

MENstruation
MENopause
GUYnaecology
HIMorrhoids
MENtal breakdown

What's the difference between Government Bonds and men? Government Bonds mature eventually!

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? At least E.T. 'phones home sooner or later!

Why are men like noodles? They lack taste, are always in hot water and always need dough!

Why do guys aspire to a BMW? They want to drive a name they can spell?

What's the link between anniversaries and toilet seats? Men usually miss both!

Why are men like popcorn? They can sometimes satisfy you - but never for very long!

The connection between men and spray paint? One squeeze and both are all over a girl!

Why is a man like a Food Blender? A girl knows she will need one but is never quite sure why".

The reason food is better than any man? A girl needn't wait an hour or more for seconds!

Why do so many women fake orgasm? For the same reason so many men fake foreplay!

What do you call a man who looks for hanky-panky on the second date? A gentleman - but a bit slow to say the least!

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink!


European Auxiliary Language to Proceed

The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as "EuroEnglish" ("Euro" for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. At the same time, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesessary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ps.
(Kum bak Esperanto - plis!)


Chill Factors

At degrees Fahrenheit:

New York Times News Service

60:
California residents put on sweaters (if they can find one).
50:
Miami residents turn on the heat.
45:
Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
40:
35:
Italian cars don't start.
32:
Water freezes.
30:
You plan your vacation to Australia.
25:
20:
15:
10:
You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5:
American cars don't start.
0:
Alaska residents put on T-shirts.
-10:
-15:
-20:
-25:
-30:
-40:
-50:
-80:

AND AT:

-90:
Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

Burma Shave Signs

1930
DOES YOUR HUSBAND
MISBEHAVE
GRUNT AND GRUMBLE
RANT AND RAVE
SHOOT THE BRUTE SOME
BURMA-SHAVE

1930
HINKY DINKY
PARLEY VOO
CHEER UP FACE
THE WAR IS THROUGH
BURMA-SHAVE

1933
HE PLAYED
A SAX
BUT HIS WHISKERS SCRATCHED
HAD NO B.O.
SO SHE LET HIM GO
BURMA-SHAVE

1934
COLLEGE BOYS!
YOUR COURAGE MUSTER
SHAVE OFF
THAT FUZZY
COOKIE DUSTER
BURMA-SHAVE

1935
YOU KNOW
YOUR ONIONS
LETTUCE SUPPOSE
THIS BEETS 'EM ALL
DON'T TURNIP YOUR NOSE
BURMA-SHAVE

1936
COOTIES LOVE
BEWHISKERED PLACES
CUTIES LOVE THE
SMOOTHEST FACES
SHAVED BY
BURMA-SHAVE

1938
DON'T TAKE
A CURVE
AT 60 PER
WE HATE TO LOSE
A CUSTOMER
BURMA-SHAVE

1939
PAST
SCHOOLHOUSES
TAKE IT SLOW
LET THE LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
BURMA-SHAVE

1940
DON'T STICK
YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MIGHT GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR
BURMA-SHAVE

1940
SHE KISSED
THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
BURMA-SHAVE

1942
PA ACTED
SO TICKLED
MA THOT
HE WAS PICKLED
HE'S JUST TRIED
BURMA-SHAVE

1947
THAT SHE
COULD COOK
HE HAD HIS DOUBTS
UNTIL SHE CREAMED
HIS BRISTLE SPROUTS WITH
BURMA-SHAVE

1950
THE WHALE
PUT JONAH
DOWN THE HATCH
BUT COUGHED HIM UP
BECAUSE HE SCRATCHED
BURMA-SHAVE

1951
I KNOW
HE'S A WOLF
SAID RIDING HOOD
BUT GRANDMA DEAR
HE SMELLS SO GOOD
BURMA-SHAVE

PITY ALL
THE MIGHTY CEASARS
THEY PULLED
EACH WHISKER OUT
WITH TWEEZERS
BURMA-SHAVE

WITHIN THIS VALE
OF TOIL AND SIN
YOUR HEAD GROWS BALD
BUT NOT YOUR CHIN
BURMA-SHAVE

Murphy's Laws

Air Force Law
2% don't get the word.
Airplane Law
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
Allison's Precept
The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area.
Anderson's Law
Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Anthony's Law of Force
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
Corollary to Anthony's Law
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Army Axiom
Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox)
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
Baker's Law
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
Barber's Laws of Backpacking
1) The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you chose to hike always comes out positive.
2) Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
3) The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.
4) The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
5) The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it.
6) The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
7) The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
8) The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.
9) When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
10) If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again.
11) The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.
Barth's Distinction
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
Boren's First Law
When in doubt, mumble.
Brook's Law
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Barzun's Laws of Learning
1) The simple but difficult arts of paying attention, copying accurately, following an argument, detecting an ambiguity or a false inference, testing guesses by summoning up contrary instances, organizing one's time and one's thought for study -- all these arts -- cannot be taught in the air but only through the difficulties of a defined subject. They cannot be taught in one course or one year, but must be acquired gradually in dozens of connections.
2) The analogy to athletics must be pressed until all recognize that in the exercise of Intellect those who lack the muscles, coordination, and will power can claim no place at the training table, let alone on the playing field.
Forthoffer's Cynical Summary of Barzun's Laws
1) That which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly.
2) If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.
Decaprio's Rule
Everything takes more time and money.
Dijkstra's Law of Programming Inertia
If you don't know what your program is supposed to do, you'd better not start writing it.
Etorre's Observation
The other line moves faster.
First Maxim of Computers
To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.
Gallois's Revelation
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes back out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.
Corollary- An expert is a person who avoids the
small errors while sweeping on to the Grand Fallacy.
Glib's Laws of Reliability
1. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Corollary- At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
2. Any system which relies on human reliability is unreliable.
3. The only diffrence between the fools and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
4. A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than simplification, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
5. Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherant unreliability of the system in which they are used.
6. The error detection and correction capabilities of a system will serve as the key to understanding the types of error which they cannot handle. 7. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
8. All real programs contain errors unless proven otherwise, which is impossible.
9. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Golub's Laws of Computerdom
1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
2. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; if carefully planned, it will take only twice as long.
3. The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.
4. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Goodin's Law of Conversions
The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.
Gordon's First Law
If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.
Gray's Law of Programming
N+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as N trivial tasks.
Loggs Rebuttal- N+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as N trivial tasks for
N sufficiently large.
Grosch's Law
Computer power increases as the square of the costs. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times as fast.
Halpern's Observation
The tendancy to err the programmers have been noticed to share with other human beings has often been treated as if it were an awkwardness attendant upon programming's adolescence, which (like acne) would disappear with the craft's coming of age. It has proved otherwise.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
Howe's Law
Every man has a scheme that will not work.
IBM Pollyanna Principle
Machines should work. People should think.
Law of Computability as Applied to Social Science
Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Law of Computability as Applied to Social Science
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
Laws of Computer Programming
1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
8. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will discover that programmers cannot write in English.
9. Software is hard. Hardware is soft. It is economically more feasible to build a computer than to program it.
10. An operating system is a feeble attempt to include what was overlooked in the design of a programming language.
Law of Selective Gravity
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Jenning's Corollary
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There's always one more bug.
Paperboy's rule of Weather
No matter how clear the skies are, a thunderstorm will move in 5 minutes after the papers are delivered.
Project scheduling "99" rule
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time. The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
Sattlinger's Law
It works better if you plug it in.
Segal's Law
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
Shaw's Principle
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
Troutman's Programming Postilates
1. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.
2. Not until a program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
3. Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in proper order will be.
4. Interchangeable tapes won't.
5. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
6. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
The Unspeakable Law
As soon as you mention something...if it's good, it goes away; if it's bad, it happens.
Weinberg's Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy society as we know it.
Corollary
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the Grand Fallacy.

Answers From Student's Test Papers

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the desert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the desert was such that the inhabitants had to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made bread without any ingredients. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Greeks invented three kinds of columns. . .Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. John Milton was a great author. He wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards, and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country.

Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to have bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The assinator was John Wilkes Booth, an insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. He died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote very loud music. Beethoven expired in 1827 and then later he died.


Accidents

Accidents aren't funny, but it's hard to keep from cracking a smile when you read some of the explanations on accident reports, insurance claims, etc.

-A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

-The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a nimber of times before I hit him.

-In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into the telephone pole.

-The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.

-I told the policeman that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

-I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

-I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law in the other seat and headed over the embankment.

-I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

-To avoid hitting the bumper of the car ahead, I struck the pedestrian.

-I just saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman when he bounced off the hood of my car.

-The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.

-The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

-A pedestrian I did not see, hit me then went sliding under my car.

-The pedestrian had no idea which way to go so I ran over him.

-The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.


Court Testimony

Most language is spoken language, and most words once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of court reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Court is now in session, and here are my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.

Q: What is his first name?
A: I can't remember.

Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.

Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.

Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.

Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.

Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.

Q: What is your marrital status?
A: Fair.

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.

Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.

Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.

Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.

Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I used to be.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.

Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.

Q: Where was the dog at the time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autoppsies have been on dead people.

Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: Before or after he died?

Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Have you ever been arrested?
A: Yes.

Q: What for?
A: Aggravating a female.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.

THE COURT:
Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your mind if you have any.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?
JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open mind.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.

Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.

Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletecher.

Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you stop an automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Have you ever beaten your wife?
A: No. I might slap her around a little, but I never beat her.

Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the son of a gun -- and she did.

Q: And another reason that you didn't want to go out there was because you feared for your life?
A: Yes, I did.

Q: Why?
A: That's a rowdy neighborhood, and there are very, very bad persons that will do bodily harm and seriously kill someone.

Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
A: On the seat.

Q: I meant where is the street.

Before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange involving a child:

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O.K.?
A: Oral.

Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.


Pithy Quotes

They say that French President Mitterrand has 100 lovers. One has AIDS, but he doesn't know which one. President Bush of the United States has 100 bodyguards. One is a terrorist, but he doesn't know which one. President Gorbachev of the USSR has 100 economic advisers. One is smart but he doesn't know which one.

Nutritional tip: Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alchohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed.
-- Frank Deford

Whatever their other contributions to society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.
-- Guindon cartoon caption

The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.
-- Russell Baker

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
-- Sylvester Stallone

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
-- Bobby Slayton

Historical reminder: Always keep Horace before Descartes.

Economists are people who work with numbers, but who don't have the personality to be accountants.

No matter how cynical you get, it is just impossible to keep up.
-- Lily Tomlin

I believe more people would be alive today if there were a death penalty.
-- Nancy Reagan

Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.

Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you.
-- Soupy Sales

If you're gonna steal, steal from kin -- at least they're less likely to put the law on you.
-- Bret Maverick

It takes so little to ruin a perfect day: a stone in the shoe; a cockroach in the spaghetti sauce; a woman's laugh. -- H.L. Mencken

Time is the slippery, viscid, wavering tool of a malignant prestidigitator with nineteen thumbs.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

When the tides of life turn against you
And the current upsets your boat,
Don't waste those tears on what might have been,
Just lay on your back and float.
-- Ed Norton ("The Honeymooners")

Due to the shape of the North American elk's esophagus, even if it could speak, it could not pronounce the word "Lasagna."
-- Cliff Clavin ("Cheers")

Did you hear about the two dyslexic theologians who sat around arguing about the existence of Dog?

Working rule #23 :
Go through the motions anyway; you might get lucky.

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-- Thomas De Quincey

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

If Shakespeare had been in pro basketball he never would have had time to write his solliloquies. He would always have been on a plane between Phoenix and Kansas City.
-- Paul Westhead, basketball coach
A team is a team. Shakespeare said that many times.
-- Dan Devine, football coach

A piano is a piano is a piano.
-- Gertrude Steinway

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
-- H. H. Munro (Saki)

I propose getting rid of conventional armaments and replacing them with reasonably-priced hydrogen bombs that would be distributed equally throughout the world.
-- Idi Amin

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
-- Sam Goldwyn

I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth.
-- Chico Marx

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.
-- Bertrand Russell

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason

While you're saving your face you're losing your ass.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
-- Artemus Ward

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
-- Marilyn Monroe, upon being served matzo ball soup 3 meals in a row.

It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is the same damn thing over and over.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay

The less things change, the more they remain the same.
-- Sicilian proverb

The brotherhood of man is no mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing and humiliating reality.
-- Oscar Wilde

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
-- Joseph Stalin

In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had 500 years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? The coockoo clock.
-- from the movie "The Third Man"

Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.
-- Wayne Shannon

When a book and a head collide and there is a hollow sound, is it always the book?
-- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Great Moments in Literature: In 1936, Ernest Hemingway, while trout fishing, caught a carp and decided not to write about it.
-- Guindon cartoon caption

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
-- Robert Benchley

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
-- Norm Crosby

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
-- Daring Weinberg

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-- Stewart's Law of Retroaction

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
-- G. K. Chesterton

Soderquist's paradox:
There are more horse's asses than there are horses.

The future is very much like the present, only longer.
-- Dan Quisenberry

It is better to deal with crooks than with fools, because the crooks sometimes take a break. -- Alexandre Dumas (the younger)

I could now afford all the things I never had as a kid, if I didn't have kids.
-- Robert Orben

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
-- Paul Gauguin

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso

BAD SPELLERS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!

Proof that cats are smarter than dogs: You cannot get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

In America, anyone can become president. But that's one of the risks you have to take.
-- Adlai Stevenson

Most of our future lies ahead of us.
-- Denny Crum, Louisville basketball coach

You're never too old to do goofy stuff.
-- Ward Cleaver ("Leave It to Beaver")

You know what makes this country great? You don't have to be witty or clever, as long as you can hire someone who is.
-- Ted Baxter ("The Mary Tyler Moore Show")

Actress Robin Givens has filed a libel suit against estranged husband Mike Tyson, claiming he told a reporter that she was after his money.... She's asking $125 million.
-- NBC News

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
-- Al Capone

If you have been in a poker game for 30 minutes and you still don't know who the pigeon is, the pigeon is you.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx

Everything should be as simple as it is, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein

Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world, except money.
-- Johnny Cash

I think I am beginning to understand something of it.
-- Auguste Renoir (his last words)

Do you think a man who knows his own value grants anyone the right to criticize even his most trivial qualities?
-- Arnold Schoenberg

If there ain't no place to go, there's no way to take a trip.
-- "Dandy" Don Meredith

Society is merely everybody else, and you don't owe everybody anything.
-- Thomas Berger

City ain't no place for a woman, though a lot of pretty men go there.
-- W.C. Fields (in "The Fatal Glass of Beer")

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
-- Harry S Truman

If you're good, you can do it anywhere -- even on the ground with a stick.
-- Alvin Doyle Moore

It is bad today, and it will be worse tomorrow; and so on until the worst of all.
-- Arthur Schopenhauer

To ensure freshness, all foods are cooked from scratch, which is subject to run out.
-- Dip's Country Kitchen (Chapel Hill, N.C.)

If you have to eat crow, eat it while it's hot.
-- Alben Barkley

Tome mucho cafe, fume un buen cigarro, y no se ocupe. (Drink a lotta coffee, smoke a good cigar, and don't fret yourself)
-- The World's Oldest Living Peruvian (aged about 165)

Some people are so ignorant they wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot -- even if the instructions were printed on the heel.
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson

His Majesty does not know what the Band has just played, but it is never to be played again!
-- King George V

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
-- Stephen King (from "Rage")

If I'd've hit that many singles, I'd've worn a dress.
-- Mickey Mantle, 1985, reflecting on Pete Rose breaking Ty Cobb's record

The fact that many people prefer bad art to good art is not a matter for criminal prosecution but an ingredient in the human comedy, one by which other people will always know how to profit.
-- John Russell

What was was was! What is is is!
-- Sparky Anderson, 1986

Although our information is incorrect, we do not vouch for it.
-- Erik Alfred Leslie Satie

If you can kill a snake with it, it ain't art.
-- Orcenith Lyle Bonge

The only thing one can be proud of is of having worked in such a way that an official reward for your labor cannot be envisaged by anyone.
-- Jean Cocteau

I told Jimmy Carter that Reagan's got just what this country wants: a good head o' hair and a mean line o' talk.
-- St. Eom of the Land of Pasquan

The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.
-- I. F. Stone

90 percent of the worst human beings I know are poets. Most poets these days are so square they have to walk around the block just to turn over in bed.
-- Kenneth Rexroth

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -- but that's usually the way to bet.
-- Damon Runyon

What got you here will get you out of here.
-- Joe Garagiola

It is a fine thing when a man who thoroughly understands a subject is unwilling to open his mouth.
-- Yoshida Kendo

On the BBC there has been a spate of XVIIIc English composers, perhaps to show us why they are unknown; and a careful selection of the worst pieces of J.C. Bach set off with nothings by Frederick the Great. As for poetry -- and as for readers -- the squalor is repulsive.
-- Basil Bunting

What dull barbarians are not proud of their dullness and barbarism?
-- Thackeray

Tutti Frutti, good booty
If it don't fit, don't force it
You can grease it, make it easy ...
AWOP-BOP-A-LOO-MOP, ALOP-BAM-BOOM!
-- Richard Wayne Penniman, 1955

People know what they do; they frequently know why they do what they do; but what they don't know is what what they do does.
-- Michel Foucault

The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois.
-- Gustave Flaubert

For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn.
-- Jane Austen

I believe that if I ever had to practice cannibalism, I might manage it if there were enough tarragon around.
-- James Beard

When one starts from a portrait and seeks by successive eliminations to find pure form ... one inevitably ends up with an egg.
-- Pablo Picasso

Each morning when I awake, I experience again a supreme pleasure -- that of being Salvatore Dali.
-- Himself

Middle age is when you are faced with two temptations, and you choose the one that will get you home by 9 o'clock.
-- Ronald Reagan

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought of as half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-- Charlotte Whitton, Mayor of Ottawa

After ecstasy, the laundry.
-- Zen koan

Nothing we use or touch can be expressed in words that equal what is given by the senses.
-- Hannah Arendt

I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society, except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and the old men and women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.
-- Brendan Behan

Ours is the age of substitutes: Instead of language we have jargon; instead of principles, slogans; instead of genuine ideas, bright suggestions.
-- Eric Bentley

Life -- the way it really is -- is a battle not between Bad and Good but between Bad and Worse.
-- Joseph Brodsky

If you think that you can think about a thing, inextricably attached to something else, without thinking of the thing it is attached to, then you have a legal mind.
-- Thomas Reed Powell

I have spent all my life under a Communist regime, and I will tell you that a society without any objective legal scale is a terrible one indeed. But a society with no other scale but the legal one is not quite worthy of man either.
-- Alexander Solzhenitsyn

The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella;
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
-- Sam Ervin

It may be that we have all lived before and died, and this is hell.
-- A.L. Prusick

Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Men are superior to women. For one thing, they can urinate from a speeding car.
-- Will Durst

I have known more men destroyed by the desire to have wife and child and to keep them in comfort than I have seen destroyed by drink and harlots.
-- William Butler Yeats

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
-- Emo Philips

This gum tastes funny.
-- Sign on a condom machine.

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.
-- Barbara Bush

Being head of state is an extremely thankless job.
-- Bokassa I, former emperor of the Central African Republic, while on trial for infanticide, cannibalism, and torture.

Baseball would be a better game if more third basemen got hit in the mouth by line drives.
-- Dan Jenkins

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
-- Andy Rooney

I don't want to achieve immortality by being inducted into baseball's Hall of Fame. I want to achieve immortality by not dying.
-- Leo Durocher at eighty-one.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
-- Lisa Grossman

Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, "Be fruitful and multiply," but not in those words. -- Woody Allen

Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life.
-- Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah

When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.
-- Hermann Hesse

A society made up of individuals who were capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. The pressure of ideas would simply drive it frantic.
-- H.L. Mencken

When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.
-- Swift

Yes, there will be sex after death; we just won't be able to feel it.
-- Lily Tomlin

Boredom is the bitter fruit of too much routine, or none at all. -- Brendan Francis

When you watch television, you never see people watching television. We love television because it brings us a world in which television does not exist.
-- Barbara Ehrenreich

Baseball is what we were; football is what we have become.
-- Mary McGrory

If Jesus was Jewish, how come he has a Mexican name ?

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
-- Emo Philips

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation.
-- Howard Scott

Why should we take up farming when there are so many mongongo nuts in the world ?
-- African Bushman, quoted by Jared Diamond

I feel sorry for people who don't drink, because when they get up in the morning, they're not going to feel any better all day.
-- Frank Sinatra

I never took hallucinogenic drugs, because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
-- Fran Lebowitz

People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally-famous genius.
-- Jerry Lewis

As she fell face down into the black muck of the mud-wrestling pit, her sweaty, 300-pound opponent muttering soft curses in Latin on top of her, Sister Marie thought, "There is no doubt about it; the Pope has betrayed me."
-- entry in San Jose State's bad writing contest, 1983

Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes.
-- John LeCarre

Nebraska is proof that Hell is full, and the dead walk the earth.
-- Liz Winston

When Madonna grabs her crotch, the social order is effectively transgressed.
-- Chip Wells, on his Ph.D. dissertation, "Like a Thesis: A Postmodern Reading of Madonna Videos."

Human beings were invented by water as a means of transporting itself from place to place.
-- Tom Robbins


True Stories

A collection of amazingly stupid and yet absolutely true stories.

V.S. Pritchet, a reporter, is surely on of the worst in his field. In the 1920s, he took a job with the CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR, but, as he said, did not have a nose for news. "I simply didn't know what news was. I missed every important occasion. Even now I don't know what news is." When an irish cabinet minister resigned, he wrote nothing of it, because he 'couldn't see how it mattered.' In 1922, he went to cover a war in Morocco. It was suggested that he go see the rebel leader Abdul Krin in the hills, but he was terrified of being shot and stayed at home. "All I heard was a lot of gunfire in the evenings, but it was a lovely country."

----------- In 1897, the General Assembly of Indiana passed a bill stating that the mathematical symbol pi, (now known to be 3.142), was 4. During the short time this was in use, it caused extreme havoc. A pendulum clock would gain about 15 minutes per hour in this system.

----------- The ARGO MERCHANT is the absolute worst ship in history. These are some of the amazing feats it managed to accomplish in its 23 year history. It has collided with a Japanese ship, caught fire 3 times, and stopped for repairs five times. It has suffered a mutiny, circled Borneo continously, been towed to New York, and been grounded off Sicily. It was banned from the ports of Boston and Phildelphia and from the Panama Canal. It's boilers have broken down 6 times, and she has had to travel with two red lights, indicating to other ships that the crew has absolutely no control over her movements. After being lost for 15 hours, it sank off Cape Cod and caused the US's largest oil slick. When it happened, the crew had been navigating off the stars for 18 hours after the navigation machinery broke down.

----------- In 1978, several firemen came to the house of an elderly lady to rescue her cat from a tree. They succeeded and the woman invited many of them in for tea. After the impromptu get- together, the firemen left, running over the cat and killing it.

----------- Mr. Nicholas Scotti of San Francisco intended to visit his relatives in Italy. The plane took off and later made a fuel stop in New York. Mr. Scotti, believing that he had arrived, got off and spent two days in New York, thinking he was in Rome. The first thing he noticed was that his relatives were not at the airport to pick him up. He belived they had been caught in the heavy Roman traffic they mentioned in their letters. After cruising the city, he remarked that modernization had destoryed all of the landmarks and that everything was in english, spoken with a heavy American accent. He believed that this was for the multitudes of American travellers who apparently come to Rome. Mr. Scotti, who did not speak english very well, went on to ask a policeman the way to the bus station in italian. The policeman, who came from Naples, replied fluently in the same tongue. He was eventually handed over to the police for assisstance once the bus driver realized his mistake. Mr. Scotti was shocked that the Roman police did not have many Italian officers. When he was finally told he was in New York, he refused to believe it. "I know this is Italy," he replied, "This is the way they drive."

------------ The following are all true graffiti from around the world:

------------- In 1972, Derek Langborne lit a fire in his fireplace. He then went outside to fill his log bucket. When he returned, he noticed a flaming log had just rolled out of the fireplace. He carefully picked it up (it wasn't all flaming) and took it outside. He unwittingly brushed it against a curtain on the way out. He deposited the log on his driveway and returned to find his curtains and door on fire. While calling the Fire Station, he noticed that the log in the driveway had set fire to his car. He completed the call, and ran out to douse the car with a bucket of water. On the way, he tripped over a gas container and set himself on fire. Mr. Langborne survived with minor injuries and his house was saved.

-------------- In 1972, a woman in Calfornia got into a car for her drivers test. The first thing she did was mistake the accelerator for the clutch and plowed the car through the wall of the driving school, subsequently failing her test in the first half-second. She later on asked if she had passed.

-------------- In 1896, a Greek Orthodox Bishop who had been lying in state sat bolt upright in front of several mourners. "What are you staring at?" he asked them.

-------------- In 1933, a parisian burglar attempted to rob a house while dressed in 15th century armor. He thought it would scare the inhabitant, but it only managed to severely up his chances of being caught. He was, and his armor was damaged in the ensuing scuffle. The damage was of a kind that he could not get out of the armor for 24 hours, and had to go to court in it.

-------------- For three months in 1971, several robbers planned a post-office robbery down to the letter. When they finally attempted to pull it off, they leaped out of their car, only to realize the office had been closed for 12 years.

-------------- In 1631, a publisher printed a copy of the Bible with a slight misprint, such that the 7th Commandment read "Thou shalt commit adultery." The King was forced to recall the 1,000 printed copies and fine the printers 3,000 pounds.

-------------- A library book taken out in 1823 was finally returned in 1968, having amassed a fine of $2,464.

-------------- The following are some actual goofs from films which are still available to see on reel or VCR:

--------------

Lt. Hiroo Onoda of the Japanese army fought WW2 until March 1974. He remained on duty, guarding a remote isle in the Philippines for 33 years. He had no opposition, but assumed the Axis was winning the war. When, in 1945, 'COME HOME' letters were dropped on the island, he thought it was a Yankee trick to make him surrender. Even after he was found in March, it still took them 6 months to convince him the war was over.

-------------- The tiny agean nation of Andorra declared war on Germany in 1914 along with many other nations. However, the Versailles Peace Treaty failed to include the nation, and it remained at war with Germany throughout the 1920's and 30's. The country's army composed of 10 people, however, and it's military budget was 4 dollars per year for ceremonial blanks. The soldiers, however, wore pins reading "TOUCH ME IF YOU DARE", the country's national motto. In 1939, Andorra found itself involved in two world wars at once. A peace treaty was finally signed with Germany on September 25, 1939, during the invasion of Poland at the start of WW2. This document brought peace to the Andorrans for the first time in 44 years and officially ended the first world war.

-------------- Another WW2 story involves the Russo-German conflict. The Russians tried to devolop top secret "Dog Mines". They would train dogs to associate the bottoms of tanks with food. They would then tie mines to the dogs backs and let them loose when the Germans advanced. Unfortunately, the dogs only associated food with the underside of Russian tanks, and the plan was abandonned after it's first trial.

-------------- In February 1970, a swiss pornograher was taken to court for not being pornographic enough. His "sexually erotic books" contained mainly pictures of plants and furniture. He was sued by many irate customers and given ten months probation by the judge.

--------------- In a recent rape trial, the victim was asked to repeat what the attacker had said to her just before the attack. The language was coarse and the implications where crude, so she wrote the statement down due to her embarassment. The paper was passed to the jury to examine as evidence. One of the jurors had fallen asleep. The juror beside him, a beautiful young blonde woman, nudged him awake, and handed him the paper. He looked at it, smiled and winked at her, and put the paper in his pocket. When the judge asked for the paper back, he said it was a "personal matter".

-------------- During his divorce trial in 1978, a London window cleaner was asked what he and the "other woman" were doing with the lights out. He replied, "playing snooker". The judge replied that it was, in his opinion, difficult to play snooker in the dark, and then asked the man about the noises that came from the room as the night went on. The man explained, "they were an expression of surprise or disappointment made when playing a difficult shot." He was also asked why the woman was also seen naked from the waist down. He replied, "she was doing some sewing and repairing her slacks." The judge did not believe the defendant.

---------------- In 1976, a man intending to hijack a plane leaped from his seat and drew a gun on the stewardess. "Take me to Detroit!" he yelled, to which she replied, "We're already going to Detroit." The man paused, then replied, "Oh....good." He sat down and was never apprehended by police.


Adam

by Nicholas Biel

On the third day I was dust, ordinary common dust like you see on a country road in a dry spell, nothing expected of me, me expecting nothing neither.

On the sixth day he comes along and blows. "In my own image too", he says, like he was doing me a favor.

Sometimes I think if he'd waited a million years by then I'd been tired maybe being dust but after only two, three days, what can you expect? I wasn't used to being dust and he goes and makes me into Man.

He could see right away from the expression on my face I didn't like it so he's going to butter me up. He puts me in this garden only I don't butter.

He brings me all the animals I should give them names-- What do I know of names? "Call it something," he says, "anything you want," so I make names up--lion, tiger, elephant, giraffe--crazy but that's what he wants.

I'm naming animals since 5 AM, in the evening I'm tired I go to bed early, in the morning I wake up, there she is sitting by a pool of water admiring herself.

"Hello, Adam," she says, "I'm your mate, I'm Eve." "Pleased to meet you," I tell her and we shake hands.

Actually I'm not pleased---from time immemorial nothing, now rush, rush, rush; two days ago I'm dust, yesterday all day I'm naming animals, today I got a mate already.

Also I didn't like the way she looked at me or at herself in the water.

Well, you know what happened, I don't have to tell you, there were all those fruit trees---she took a bite, I took a bite, the snake took a bite and quick like a flash--- out of the garden.

Now I'm not complaining; After all, it's his garden, he don't want nobody eating his apples, that's his business.

What irritates me is the nerve of the guy.

I didn't ask him to make me even dust; he could have left me nothing like I was before-- and such a fuss for one lousy little apple not even ripe (there wasn't much time from Creation, it was still Spring), I didn't ask for Cain, for Abel, I didn't ask for nothing, but anything goes wrong, who's to blame?....Sodom, Gomorrah, Babel, Ararat... me or my kids catch it,....fire, flood, pillar of salt. "Be patient," Eve said, "a little understanding. Look, he made it was his idea, it breaks down, so he'll fix it."

But I told him one day. "You're in too much of a hurry. In six days you make everything there is, you expect it to run smoothly? Something's always going to happen. If you'd a thought first, conceived a plan, consulted a specialist, you wouldn't have so much trouble all the time."

But you can't tell him nothing. He knows it all.

Like I say, he means well but he's a meddler and he's careless. He could have made that woman so she wouldn't bite no apple.

All right, all right, so what's done is done, but all the same, he should have known better, or at least he could have blown on other dust.


Attorney Season

For those of you considering a vacation soon, you may be interested to know that attorney season is now open in Nevada. Applicable regulations are as follows: Hunters should be cautious to obey the applicable laws. Failure to do so could decimate the crop, and reduce the available supply of cheap three-piece suits and slime that proper dressing of attorneys yields.

The prior concern over the endangerment of the subspecies known as the "Honest Lawyer" is an example of this. This subspecies is now considered to be extinct.

Good hunting!


Replacement Mouse Balls

NEWS REPORT 29
25 May 1989 IBM ANNOUNCES EXTENDED MOUSE SUPPORT

ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT
SUBJECT: NEW RETAIN TIP

Record number: H013944
Device: D/T8550
Model: M
Hit Count: UHC00000
Success count: USC0000
Publication code: PC50
Tip key: 025
Date created: 089/02/14
Date last altered: 089/02/15
Owning B.U.: USA

Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU

Mouse balls are now available as a Field Replacement Unit (FRU). If a mouse fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in need of a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only.

Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method, and domestic balls replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however excess handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional items.

P/N N33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N N33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

SAS Keywords:
PSY2 8525SYSMISC 8530SYSMISC 8550SYSMISC 8560SYSMISC 8570SYSMISC 8580SYSMISC

ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT, BOCA RATON, FL.


You Know

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:: You Know You are in ::
:: Trouble When... ::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

You have been at work for three hours before you notice your skirt is caught in your pantyhose.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on Hold.

You get to work and find a 60 MINUTES news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

You start to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night... and there aren't any.

You turn on the Evening News and they are showing Emergency Routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

Your 4-Year-Old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

You discover your 12-Year-Old's idea of humor is putting Crazy Glue in your Preparation H.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

You wake up to the sound of running water... and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

You spend $75.00 at the hair dressers and when you get home your dog starts barking at you.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company party.

The bird singing outside your window is a Vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband.

Your Income Tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your husband says "Good morning Mary" ...and your name is Sharon.

You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

Your aunt Maudie who has two Poodles and a Chihuahua tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate... and you live in Arizona.

You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money... from PG&E.

Air line food starts to taste good.

Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.

You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.

You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.

You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

You compliment the Boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.

You go on your honeymoon to a remote little motel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your spouse.

The Health Inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes... and no one has touched it.

You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you.

You invite the Peeping Tom in... and he says no.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

People think you are 40... and you really are.

You notice dandruff... on your umbrella.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.

Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was Terrific" and you remember that you were home by yourself.

Everyone is laughing but you.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:: You Know You're Getting ::
:: Old When... ::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.

You sit down to a rocking chair and can't get it started.

You regret all those times you resisted temptation.

You order Geritol-on-the-Rocks at the bar.

You think "Gay" means "Happy, Lively and Vivacious".

You look forward to spending a quiet evening at home.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

The last president you enjoyed voting for was Teddy Roosevelt.

You turned 39 before Jack Benny.

Your little black book has only names ending in M.D.

You need oxygen after blowing out your birthday candles.

Your mind makes agreements your body can't meet.

You finally get it all together and can't remember where you put it.

You start eating Bran Flakes and Prune Juice for breakfast.

You remember today that yesterday was your Birthday.

You get worn out dialing long distance.

You buy a health club membership and don't go.

You have more hair on your chest than on your head.

You just can't seem to get around to Procrastinating.

Your favorite newspaper column is "25 Years ago Today".

You don't need an alarm clock to get up at 6 A.M.

You need a Fire Permit to light all the candles on your Birthday cake.

A Fortune Teller wants to read your face.

It takes you an hour to undress and another hour to remember why.

After painting the town red, you have to wait a long time before applying a 2nd coat.

You burn the Midnight oil by 9 P.M.

You get your exercise being a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.

You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

Anything under a quarter isn't worth bending over to pick up.

Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever you see a sexy girl go by.

The little old lady you help across the street is your wife.

You get winded playing checkers.

You sink your teeth into a Thick, Juicy Steak and they stay there.

The only whistles you get are from the teakettle.

Your favorite TV personalities are Sid Caesar, Milton Berle, and Lucille Ball.

You need a smaller house with a bigger medicine cabinet.

Work becomes more fun and fun becomes more work.

The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You think you've been complimented when you're called "Square".

The gleam in your eyes is the sun reflecting off your bifocals.

You stop to think and sometimes forget to start again.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

You finally get to the top of the ladder, but it's leaning against the wrong wall.


NUMBER RECOGNITION CHALLENGE

This exercise will not measure your intelligence, your fluency with words, nor your mathematical ability. It will, however, give you some gauge of your mental flexibility and creativity. Most people find it difficult to solve more than half of these puzzles on their first try. Many, however, report getting answers long after the questions had been put aside - particularly at unexpected moments when their minds were relaxed.

INSTRUCTIONS: Each question below contains the initials of words that will make it correct. Find the missing words. For example:
26 = L. of the A. would be 26 = Letters of the Alphabet.


a. 26 = L. of the A.
b. 7 = W. of the A. W.
c. 1001 = A. N.
d. 12 = S. of the Z.
e. 54 = C. in a D. (with J.)
f. 9 = P. in the S. S.
g. 88 = P. K.
h. 13 = S. on the A. F.
i. 18 = H. on a G. C.
j. 32 = D. F. at which W. F.
k. 90 = D. in a R. A.
l. 200 = D. for P. G. in M.
m. 8 = S. on a S. S.
n. 3 = B. M. (S. H. T. R.)
o. 4 = Q. in a G.
p. 24 = H. in a D.
q. 1 = W. on a U.
r. 5 = D. in a Z. C.
s. 57 = H. V.
t. 11 = P. on a F. T.
u. 1000 = W. that a P. is W.
v. 29 = D. in F. in a L. Y.
w. 64 = S. on a C. B.
x. 40 = D. and N. of the G. F.







































































26 Letters of the Alphabet
7 Wonders of the Ancient World
1001 Arabian Nights
12 Signs of the Zodiac
54 Cards in a Deck (with Jokers)
9 Planets in the Solar System
88 Piano Keys
13 Stripes on the American Flag
18 Holes in a Golf Course
32 Degrees Farenheit at which Water Freezes
90 Degrees in a Right Angle
200 Dollars for Passing Go in Monopoly
8 Sides on a Stop Sign
3 Blind Mice (See How They Run)
4 Quarters in a Game or Quarts in a Gallon
24 Hours in a Day
1 Wheel on a Unicycle
5 Digits in a Zip Code
57 Heinz Varieties
11 Players on a Football Team
1000 Words that a Picture is Worth
29 Days in February in a Leap Year
64 Squares on a Checker Board
40 Days and Nights of the Great Flood


An Alabama Mother's Letter to her Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Alabama family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and hadn't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said would be a little heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home. Said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your father -- he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's cutting grass at the local cemetary.

About your sister -- she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for four days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two boys was in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more often.

Love,
Mom

P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.


Airplane Maintenance

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.


Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."


Signs Seen Around the Country

Signs of the Times

On October 13, 1944, the Durham N.C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping."

Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law. Brandishing a Webster's dictionary, he noted that stoping means:

"extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground."

"Your Honor", said the man, "I am a lawabiding citizen and I didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed."

Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal mining, the judge declared the man not guilty and commented, "since this is Friday, the 13th, anything can happen, so I'll turn you loose."

"No Stoping" is a blunderful example of the suspect signs and botched billboards that dot the American landscape. Here are some other signs that need to be re-signed:

At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."

At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm!" "Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."

On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." ?--Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No 3 children allowed!"

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."

In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."

In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention center." 2

In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses--no waiting."

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."

On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multipacks."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits-- $10.00--They won't last an hour!"

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."

In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

On a North Carolina highway: "EAT" "300 FEET"

On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."

On a New Hampshire highway: "You 5 are speeding when flashing."

On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."

In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnels No. End."

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."

In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."

In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."

On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

On a movie marquee: "Now Playing: Adam and Eve with a cast of thousands!"

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On a New Hampshire road: "Will build to suit Emory A. Tuttle"

On the grounds of a private school: "No trespassing without permission."

In a library: "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away."

On a Tennessee highway: "Take Notice: When this sign is under water the road is impasable."

Similarily in a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."


Kentucky as seen by Missouri Elementary School Pupils

Missouri elementary school pupils have studied a unit on Kentucky for several years. Following are a few excerpts from their papers, tests, and homework answers:

Kentucky is a very interesting state if you happen to be interested in it.

Compared to the fish there, people have been visiting Kentucky Lake for only a drop in the bucket.

Population is Louisville's main cause of overcrowdedness.

Once upon a time it happened that there was this spot on the map called Louisville that some people came to. Pretty soon some more people came and made the spot bigger. Then it grew bigger and bigger. Then bigger and bigger and bigger. And that is about the size of it up to this morning.

People such as humans have children while cities such as Louisville have suburbs.

Louisville is a town that has many ways of transporting. It is a very popular tourist place because it is easy to leave and go some place else from.

They had many Boom Towns settled by Daniel Boom.

Early Kentucky settlers found abundant forests there. Everybody had abundant them to go live in Louisville.

Daniel Boone was one of Kentuck's four fathers.

He was born in 1734, supposably on his birthday.

Boone expired in 1820 and later died from this.

The shore line of the Ohio River would reach much farther if they would straighten it out. But we must cut government spending somewhere.

Louisville will be completely under water in a few million years. Just wait and see.

Henry Clay is a famous American from there that few people have ever heard of.

Rumor has it that some terrible monsters live in the Mammoth Cave. These monsters are called spelunkers.

Lake Barkley has saved many lives by people not trying to swim across it.

Kentucky is 40,000 in round figures and square miles.

Kentucky is really the Bluegrass State. But me and a lot of other people still catch ourselves calling it Kentucky.

One of their best imports is tourists.

North of Paducah it has been found that railroad travel is faster by boat.

I know only one state that has more grass than Kentucky. Can you think where that is? Sure! Or at least that is where I would say.

Do you believe what I used to believe about Kentucky? Well, it is not true.

Kentucky keeps map makers from going crazy because if they drew Kentucky there without it really being there, they would be crazy.

Fortunately, Kentucky and Tennessee fit snugly together.

Kentucky is for living in or passing through depending on whether you are people or Highway 65.

Question: "Where is Kentucky?"
Answer: "On page 72."

Tennessee is just south of Kentucky at the present time.

Lake Kentucky not only has a lot of fish but also a lot of tourists, so it is about six of one and one for all.

How the Mammoth Cave ever got made that way is just to admire, not to really understand.


Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.


Puzzles, Games and Mind Teasers

The statement below is false.
The statement above is true.

There is three errers in this sentence.
Can you find them?


To make God laugh, tell him your plans.
John Chancellor


A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician watched two people go into an empty house. After a while three people came out. They thought about that for a while.
"We must have miscounted.", said the physicist.
"They must have reproduced.", said the biologist.
"If exactly one more person enters, the house will again be empty.", said the mathematician.
From Reader's Digest

Web Links


War of the Minds - An Internet Contest.

The War of the Minds consists of a number of battles. Each battle is made up of four questions, each on a different subject. The war is won by the first player to get 640 points or the first player to get 320 points ahead of his nearest competitor.

Points are accumulated by winning questions. The winner of a question is the first player to send the correct answer. Players are limited to one set of answers per battle. A set of answers can answer any number of questions in the battle from one to four. Points are accumulated faster by winning more questions in a single battle.


Nim

Nim starts with matches placed in the following pattern.
                ! ! ! ! ! ! !         (7)
                  ! ! ! ! !           (5)
                    ! ! !             (3)
                      !               (1)
This game is for two players.
The object of the game is to make your opponent remove the last match.
Rules are:
  1. Players alternate moves.
  2. Any number of matches may be removed by either player on his move, provided that he takes from only one horizonal row at a time.
  3. The player who removes the last match loses.

Diamond Mining

This is a card game for two players. (It is possible for three to play.)
Start the game by removing all hearts and jokers from a standard playing card deck leaving 13 cards in each of three suits; Diamonds, Clubs, and Spades. The dealer shuffles the diamonds, allows the player to his right to cut the stack, and places the 13 diamonds face down in the center of the table. The clubs are given to one player and the spades to the other.

The stack of Diamonds is called the "Diamond Mine". The black cards in each player's hand become his bankroll. The object of the game is to capture Diamonds as they become available by each player bidding on them from his bankroll and placing cards won face up in his "stash" on the table. The winner at the end of the game is the player with the highest Diamond point total in his stash.

Diamonds count points as follows:

Bankroll cards rank 2 through 10, Jack, Queen, King, Ace from lowest to highest.

To begin play each player fans his cards face down and allows his opponent to draw one card which is discarded unseen.

At this point there remain 13 cards in the Diamond Mine and 12 cards for bids in each player's hand or bankroll.

The top card in the Diamond Mine is turned face up and becomes available for bidding. Each player examines his bankroll, chooses one card and places it face down in front of him. After both cards are placed they are turned face up and become the player's bid for the Diamond. The player who has bid the highest card wins the Diamond and adds it to his stash fanned face up on the table. In case of a tie bid the Diamond is discarded. Cards bid are left visible face up on the table throughout the game.

Play continues for 12 rounds by turning up the next Diamond in turn and placing bids. The last Diamond is never turned or available for bid.

At the end of play the player with the highest total card points in his stash is the winner.

For added interest the loser may be required to pay the winner one penny or one dollar for each point difference between the two stash totals.

This is a game of psychology because the winner will be the player who can best anticipate the bid of his opponent.

I have written and made available a computer program in which you can play "Diamond Mine" against the computer. The program is about 27K bytes. It is an MSDOS exe file.
Click here to download the program.

Variation: Count diamonds equally as 1 point each and dispense with drawing and discarding the two black cards at the beginning so that all 13 diamonds are available.


Oh, Drat!

A party card game best for four to seven players
May be played by as few as two players.

This game is played with a standard 52 card deck of playing cards. The dealer is either the player to draw the highest card or the winner of the last game if a series of games is being played.

The dealer shuffles the deck of cards, lets the player to his right cut the cards and deals seven cards to each player beginning at his left. The rest of the deck is discarded for that round. In each subsequent round one less card is dealt to each player so that on the second round each player gets six cards, etc. A game may, therefore, consist of up to seven rounds. The dealer for each round is the player who captured the most tricks in the previous round. If two or more players tie for most tricks captured, the dealer is determined by those players drawing for high card.

The winner of the game is the last player remaining. To continue play in the game a player must capture at least one trick in each round. If a player fails to capture at least one trick in a round he is out of the game and must set out the rest of play for the remaining rounds of that game.

After examining his hand the dealer declares one suit as trumps for that round and plays a card face up on the table to lead off the first trick. Each player in turn beginning to the dealer's left then plays a card face up on the trick. Each player must play a card of the same suit as the lead card if he can. If not, he can play any card. The trick is won by the player who played the highest card of the lead suit unless a card of trump suit has been played. In that case the trick is won by the player who played the highest trump card.

The winner of a trick then leads off play for the next trick.

Options for more interesting play:


Complete the Sequence

O T T F F S S
What is the next letter?

Click here for answer.

Using a Barometer

A high school student got into trouble with the school's administrative hierarchy because of his imaginative answers to a physics question. The student was asked on an examination to describe a method for finding the height of a building by using a barometer. The student, bright enough to be bored by the obvious answer, decided to describe not one but two alternate methods. Take the barometer, he wrote, and drop it from the top of the building, timing the interval until you see it smash on the ground. Then using the standard formula for acceleration of a falling object, calculate the height of the building. Or, he went on, find the owner of the building and say to him, "If you'll tell me how tall your building is I'll give you a good barometer."

Cooking a Roast

A class of engineering students were given the following question on an exam: How long should a three pound beef roast stay in a 325 degree oven for the center to reach a temperature of 150 degrees?

One student, described as a "Big Project man," didn't come up with an answer but did offer a plan for a series of precise experiments that would yield an accurate answer in six to nine months. Another student, an advocate of the practical approach, went out and bought a roast, an oven thermometer, and a watch. He wrote his report while munching medium-rare roast beef sandwiches. A third student used logic. Reasoning that animal tissue is mostly water and therefore should have about the same specific heat and conductivity, he applied heat transfer theory to produce his answer (it proved, incidentally, to be quite close to that of the second student). The quickest answer, however, came from a student who called his mother on the phone and got the answer from her. Which of these men promises to be the most effective engineer?


Time and Tide

A ship is at anchor. Over its side hangs a rope ladder with rungs a foot apart. The tide rises at the rate of 8 inches per hour. At the end of six hours how much of the rope ladder will remain above water, assuming that 8 feet were above water when the tide began to rise?

Click here for answer.


Dog's Mead

This puzzle concerns a farm that has been in the Dunk family for some years. A part of the farm is a rectangular piece of ground known as Dog's Mead.
Additional background information:
The year is 1939; 4840 square yards=one acre; 4 roods=one acre; 20 shillings=one pound
        1         2    3         XXXX 4
        ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- XXXX ---- 
             XXXX 5         XXXX 6     
        ---- XXXX ---- ---- XXXX ---- ---- 
             XXXX      XXXX 7          
        ---- XXXX ---- XXXX ---- ---- ---- 
        XXXX 8         9         XXXX XXXX
        XXXX ---- ---- ---- ---- XXXX XXXX 
        10        XXXX 11        12   13
        ---- ---- XXXX ---- ---- ---- ---- 
             XXXX XXXX XXXX 14         
        ---- XXXX XXXX XXXX ---- ---- ---- 
        15        XXXX 16        XXXX  
        ---- ---- XXXX ---- ---- XXXX ---- 
   
                        Across
1.  Area in square yards of Dog's Mead
5.  Age of Martha, Father Dunk's aunt
6.  Difference in yards between length and breadth of Dog's Mead
7.  Number of roods in Dog's Mead times 8 down
8.  The year the Dunks acquired Dog's Mead
10. Father Dunk's age
11. Year of Mary's birth
14. Perimeter in yards of Dog's Mead
15. Cube of Father Dunk's walking speed in mph
16. 15 across minus 9 down
  
                        Down
1.  Value in shillings per rood of Dog's Mead
2.  Square of the age of Father Dunk's mother-in-law
3.  Age of Mary, Father Dunk's other daughter
4.  Value in pounds of Dog's Mead
6.  Age of Ted, Father Dunk's son, who is twice the age of his sister, Mary, in 1945
7.  Square of the breadth of Dog's Mead
8.  Time in minutes it takes Father Dunk to walk 1 1/3 times around Dog's Mead
9.  The number which, when multiplied by 10 across, gives 10 down
10. See 9 down
12. Addition of the digits of 10 down plus 1
13. Number of years Dog's Mead has been in the Dunk family
   

Click here for answer.


Bang

Two automobiles are approaching each other each traveling at a constant velocity of 60 mph. When the autos are two miles apart, a very fast fly leaves the front bumper of one of the autos and travels toward the other at a speed of 120 mph. Upon reaching that auto, the fly immediately reverses direction. This continues until the autos collide. How far did the fly travel?

Click here for answer.


Batter Up

Andy dislikes the catcher. Ed's sister is engaged to the second baseman. The center fielder is taller than the right fielder. Harry and the third baseman live in the same building. Paul and Allen each won $20 from the pitcher at pinochle. Ed and the outfielders play poker during their free time. The pitcher's wife is the third baseman's sister. The pitcher, catcher, and infielders except Allen, Harry, and Andy, are shorter than Sam. Paul, Andy, and the shortstop lost $50 each at the racetrack. Paul, Harry, Bill, and the catcher took a trouncing from the second baseman at pool. Sam is involved in a divorce suit. The catcher and the third baseman each have two children. Ed, Paul, Jerry, the right fielder, and the center fielder are bachelors. The others are married. The shortstop, the third baseman, and Bill each cleaned up $100 betting on the fight. One of the outfielders is either Mike or Andy. Jerry is taller than Bill. Mike is shorter than Bill. Each of them is heavier than the third baseman.

Using these facts, determine the names of the men playing the various positions on the baseball team.

Click here for answer.


Taking Sides

Given: Four pieces of cardboard. You are told that each one is either red or green on one side and that each one has either a circle or a square on the other side. They appear on the table as follows:
1. Red 2. Green 3. Circle 4. Square
Which ones must you pick up and turn over in order to have sufficient information to answer the question: Does every red one have a square on its other side?

Click here for answer.


Bear Hunting

A hunter arose early, ate breakfast, and headed south. Half a mile from camp he tripped and skinned his nose. He picked himself up, cursing, and continued south. Half a mile farther along he spotted a bear. Drawing a bead, he pulled the trigger, but the safety was on. The bear saw him and headed east at top speed. Half a mile later the hunter caught up, fired, but only wounded the beast, which limped on toward the east. The hunter followed and, half a mile later, caught and killed the bear. Pleased, the hunter walked the mile north back to his camp to find that it had been ransacked by a second bear.

What color was the bear that tore up his camp?

The clues are all there.

Click here for answer.


Moving Matches

Suppose you have the following problem laid out on the table with matches. Obviously, the equation is false. How can you make it true by moving only one match? (Only the roman numerals are made of matches. You cannot move either the division sign or the equality sign.)
        xxiii
        ----- = ii
         vii

Click here for answer.


Fork in the Road

A traveler comes to a fork in the road and does not know which way to go to reach his destination. There are two men at the fork, one of whom always lies while the other always tells the truth. The traveler doesn't know which is which. He may ask one of the men only one question to find his way. What is his question and which man does he ask?

Click here for answer.


Multiplying by 4

Supply a digit for each letter so that the equation is correct. There is only one set of digits that will work. A given letter always represents the same digit and each letter represents a different digit:
 
        A B C D E
              x 4
        ---------
        E D C B A
 

Click here for answer.


Biblical Arithmetic

If you multiply the number of Jacob's sons by the number of times which the Israelites encompassed Jericho on the seventh day, and add to the product the number of measures of barley which Boaz gave Ruth, divide this by the number of Haman's sons, subtract the number of each kind of clean beasts that went into the Ark, multiply by the number of men that went to seek Elijah after he was taken to Heaven, subtract from this Joseph's age at the time he stood before Pharaoh, add the number of stones in David's bag when he killed Goliath, subtract the number of furlongs that Bethany was distant from Jerusalem, divide by the number of anchors cast out when Paul was shipwrecked, subtract the number of persons saved in the Ark, and the answer will be the number of pupils in a certain Sunday school class.

How many pupils were in the class?

Click here for answer.


Spooked

What non plural word has five consonants in a row?

Click here for answer.


Shopping in Luncyville

During the summer in Luncyville the shoe store is closed every Monday, the hardware store is closed every Tuesday, the grocery store is closed every Thursday, and the bank is open only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Everything, of course, is closed on Sunday. One afternoon Mrs. Abbott, Mrs. Briggs, Mrs. Culver, and Mrs. Denny went shopping together, each with a different place to go. On their way they made the following remarks:
 
        Mrs. Abbott:  Mrs. Denny and I wanted to go earlier in
                      the week but there wasn't a day when we
                      could both take care of our errands.
        Mrs. Briggs:  I didn't want to come today but tomorrow
                      I couldn't do what I have to do.
        Mrs. Culver:  I could have gone yesterday or the day 
                      before just as well as today.
        Mrs. Denny:   Either yesterday or tomorrow would have 
                      suited me.
 
Which place did each woman need to visit in town?

Click here for answer.


Homeward Bound

Each day a man's wife meets him at the railroad station and drives him home. One day he arrives at the station an hour early and begins to walk home along the road his wife always takes. She meets him en route and takes him the rest of the way home. Had he waited at the station, she would have picked him up exactly on time. As it turned out, he reached his home twenty minutes early. How long did the man walk?

Click here for answer.


Hotel Problem

Three men went to a hotel and were told that there was only one room left and that it would cost $30 for the night. They paid $10 apiece and went to the room. The desk clerk, discovering that by mistake he had overcharged them by $5.00, asked the bellboy to return the $5.00. The bellboy, not being as honest as the desk clerk, reasoned that since $5.00 is not easy to divide three ways, he would keep $2.00 and return $1.00 to each of the three men. Each man then actually paid only $9.00 apiece or a total of $27.00 for the room. Add to this the $2.00 the bellboy kept and the total is $29.00. Where did the missing dollar go?

Click here for answer.


Loose Cash

What is the largest sum of money--all in current coins and no silver dollars, American money--that I could have in my pocket without being able to give change for a dollar, half dollar, quarter, dime, or nickel?

Click here for answer.


Sudden Death

Several of us were gathered for one of Mrs. Bucket's candlelight suppers and, after the meal, retired to the sitting room for coffee, pie and conversation. For some reason unknown the conversation turned to the topic of sudden deaths. Col. McBain then told the following story:

"An English officer, after a gruesome experience during the Boxer rebellion in China some years ago, fell asleep in church during the sermon. He was dreaming that the executioner was approaching him to cut off his head, and just as the sword was descending on the officer's unhappy neck his wife lightly touched her husband on the back of his neck with her fan to awaken him. The shock was too great, and the officer fell forward dead."

"An interesting story", I said, "but, of course, it could never have happened in that way."

What is the problem with the story that convinced me that it never happened?

Click here for answer.


An Epitaph (A.D. 1538)

Two grandmothers, with their two granddaughters;
Two husbands, with their two wives;
Two fathers, with their two daughters;
Two mothers, with their two sons;
Two maidens, with their two mothers;
Two sisters, with their two brothers;
Yet only six in all lie buried here;
All born legitimate, from incest clear.
How might this happen?

Click here for answer.


Water Lilies

Water lilies double in area every twenty four hours. At the beginning of summer there is one water lily on a lake. It takes sixty days for the lake to become completely covered with water lilies. On what day is it half covered?

Click here for answer.


The Fishing Boat - A Story of Life

An American businessman was visiting a seaside Mexican village. As he strolled along the dock he saw a Mexican fisherman bring his small fishing boat into the dock returning from a fishing trip. The businessman was impressed by the quality of the fisherman's catch. He said to the man, "You have some fine fish there. How long did it take you to catch those?"

"Not long, Señor."

"But its only ten o'clock in the morning. Why did you return from fishing so early?"

"Because, Señor, I have caught as many fish as are necessary to support my family for today."

"Then how will you spend the rest of the day?"

"I will go home, play with my kids for a while, take a siesta with my wife, and then have a good dinner. Afterward I will go down to the cantina where I will pick my guitar and then play cards with my friends."

The businessman said, "Well you are in luck, because I have a business degree from Harvard and I can tell you how to make a success of your life. You should fish until four or five in the afternoon."

"Why would I do that, Señor?"

"Because, by doing so you can catch enough fish to sell to make extra money which you can save until you get enough to buy a larger fishing boat and hire a helper. With the larger boat and the helper you can catch even more fish enabling you, one day, to own a fleet of fishing boats. With the fleet you will be able to make enough money in a few years to buy the fishing cannery, cutting out the middle man and increasing your profits. With the extra profits your enterprise will grow large enough in several years that you can set up a company headquarters in New York and soon you will be able to offer stock in your company on the stock exchange. Once you are listed on the stock exchange you can find a buyer and sell out for a very large fortune."

"But, Señor, how long would this take?"

"Oh, about fifteen or twenty years."

"What would I do then, Señor?"

"Why, then you would have enough money to retire to a little seaside village, perhaps here in Mexico. You could get up each morning without a care in the world. You could do a little fishing and have time to play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, eat a good dinner and then go down to the cantina, play your guitar, and spend time with your friends. Life would be wonderful."


Cutting the Cake - A Space problem.

Cut a cake into eight equal pieces with only three cuts.

Click here for answer.

   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Sequence
The next letter is "E". The sequence is One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Time and Tide
8 feet will remain above water because as the ship rises so will the rope ladder.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Dog's Mead
  
        3 8 7 2 0 X 5
        4 X 9 1 X 4 4
        0 X 2 X 3 8 4
        X 1 1 1 0 X X
        7 2 X 1 9 1 8
        9 X X X 7 9 2
        2 7 X 1 6 X 9
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Bang
The two autos took one minute to collide, so the fly traveled two miles. One minute at 120 mph.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Batter Up
Harry is the pitcher, Allen the catcher, Paul the first baseman, Jerry the second baseman, Andy the third baseman, Ed the shortstop, Sam the left fielder, Mike the right fielder, and Bill the center fielder.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Taking Sides
Most people erroneously include No. 4 in their answer. But consider: No. 2 does not matter, since the question is concerned only with red cards. If No. 1 has a circle, the answer to the question is no. Similiarly, if No. 3 is red the answer is no. If No. 1 is a square, No. 3 is green, and No. 4 is either red or green the answer is yes. Therefore the answer is No. 1 and No. 3.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Bear Hunting
White. It is a polar bear, for the North Pole is one of the few places on earth where you can go one mile south, one mile east, and one mile north and still end up at your starting point. (The others are near the South Pole.)
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Moving Matches
        xxii    __
        ----- = ii  ( or pi)
         vii
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Fork in the Road
He asks either man, "If I were to ask you if this is the way I should go, would you say yes?" If the man he asks is the one who tells the truth, he will, of course, get the right answer. If the man he asks is the man who always lies, that man lies about the answer he would give, thus giving the correct answer. By forcing the liar to lie twice, one lie negating the other, the traveler forces him to tell the truth.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Multiplying by 4
The peculiar beauty of this one is that it can be done in an elegantly logical way. It is worth going through step by step, as an illustration of how an apparently difficult problem yields to a certain sort of mind:

a. The puzzler realizes that, since A multiplied by 4 yields only a one- digit answer, it must be either 1 or 2.

b. Since E x 4 must yield an even number, A must be 2.

c. Since the only numbers that, when multiplied by 4, yield a figure ending with 2, are 3 and 8, E must be either 3 or 8.

d. Since A x 4 cannot be 13 -- i.e., cannot be a two-digit number -- it must be 8. Therefore E is 8.

e. Since a 3 is carried over to D in the top line, it must also be added to D in the answer. We can see that B x 4 must yield a one-digit number. That means that B must be either a 1 or a 2. If it is a 2, then with the 3 added to it, D would be 11 -- impossible. So B must be 1.

f. Now consider D. The question here is simple: What number, when multiplied by 4 and enlarged by the carried 3, will yield a number ending in 1? Two numbers fill the bill: 2 and 7. Since we already know that B is 1, the missing number must be 7.

g. The B in the top line must have a carried 3 add to it in order to yield 7 in the answer, so C, when its carried 3 is added to it, must be at least 30. The only numbers that will work, therefore, are 7, 8 or 9. A little experimentation shows that 9 is the missing number.

        21978
           x4
        -----
        87912
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Biblical Arithmetic
There were seven in the Sunday school class. The successive numbers required by the questions in their order are as follows; 12, 7, 6, 10, 7, 50, 30, 5, 15, 4, 8.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Spooked

Witchcraft!

   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Shopping in Luncyville
Mrs. Abbott had to go to the hardware store. Mrs. Briggs had to go to the bank. Mrs. Culver had to go to the grocery store, and Mrs. Denny had to go to the shoe store.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Homeward Bound
50 minutes.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Hotel Problem
The cost of the room was $27 minus $2.00 or $25. The error comes from mistakenly adding $27 and $2.00 and getting the misleading figure of $29. Many readers will recognize this as one of the oldest puzzles around.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Loose Cash Problem
The largest sum is $1.19, composed of a half dollar, quarter, four dimes, and four pennies.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Sudden Death
If the officer immediately fell dead, how did anyone know what he had been dreaming?
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Epitaph
If two widows had each a son, and each widow married the son of the other and had a daughter by the marriage, all the relationships will be found to result.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Water Lilies
On the fifty-ninth day.
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
Answer to Cutting the Cake
Make two vertical cuts at right angles to each other along the diameters and a horizonal cut through the middle of the cake.

Also from Andrew Patton for 'cutting the cake', you could also cut it once, stack it on itself, cut it again, and then stack and cut it again...8 pieces. I was thinking, the cake doesn't necessarily have frosting on it, it could be a pound cake, so it's not definitely a bad idea....Whereas your solution, well, nobody would eat a slice of cake that looked like that. hehe, just kiddin'.

   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 
   
  
 

War of the Minds - Questions

Subjects:
I21 - Sports
What sports stadium was built on Coogan's Bluff?
I20 - Culture
Life gets more exciting with each passing day,
and love is either in your heart or on its way.

If you should survive to a hundred and five,
Look at all you'll derive out of being alive.

Fairy tales can come true.
It can happen to you.

If you're _______________________?

I19 - History
The "Warrior Pope" hired Donato Bramante. What job did he hire him to do? Who was the "Warrior Pope"?
I18 - Religion
When Cyrus the Persian was King of Babylon, he worshipped an idol called Bel. Bel was said to eat each day twelve bushels of fine flour, forty sheep, and fifty gallons of wine. Daniel told the King, "This Bel of yours is only clay inside and bronze outside, and has never eaten anything." The King, of course, did not believe Daniel. How did Daniel prove his point? Where did all the food go? Specifically, where do we find this story?
I17 - History
In 1873 Henry Wickham arrived in the Amazon River basin. He was on a secret mission for the British government. Why was he in Brazil? Was his mission a success?
I16 - Literature
One of the few American authors to win the Nobel prize for literature, he had a poodle named Charley. Who was he? For what work did he win the prize? Name two other Americans who also won the Nobel prize for literature.
I15 - History
In the middle of the night large bands of armed men on horseback called "night riders" raided farms burning barns and beating farmers and their families. They captured towns in western Kentucky and burned warehouses. This was part of an episode in American history known as the "Black Patch" war. When did this occur and what was the cause of the "Black Patch" war?
I14 - Literature
Author of "Man with a Bull Tongue Plow" and "Taps for Private Tussie"?
I13 - Poetry
"I wanted the gold, and I sought it;
I scrabbled and mucked like a slave.
Was it famine or scurvy--I fought it;
I hurled my youth into a grave.
I wanted the gold, and I got it--
Came out with a fortune last fall--
Yet somehow life's not what I thought it,
and somehow the gold isn't all.

Name the poem and the poet?

I12 - Math
Joe flips a quarter. Harry bets him a dime even money that it will land heads. It lands heads. Harry wins. They make the same bet again and the same thing happens.

After Harry wins the third toss, Joe begins to think. "The coin has landed heads three times in a row. It is very unlikely that a coin tossed would land heads four times in a row. (The actual odds are 1 in 16.) I have lost 30 cents. I need to regain my losses."

Joe says to Harry, "I will bet you one dollar against your 50 cents that the coin will not land heads again."

Should Harry take the bet? Explain?

I11 - History
He would have been murdered in his bed by a committee of his townspeople. But in September 622 he and Abu Bekr arrived in this town as a result of the Hegira. Who was he? Where did they arrive? What town did they flee?
I10 - Sports
Explain the "infield fly rule", its purpose, and the circumstances under which it applies.
I9 - Literature
In the city on the hill the King, Priam, reigned with Hecuba, his Queen. Below on the plain where the river, Scamander, flowed to the sea, Agamemnon, son of Atreus and King of Argos, laid siege with his army. What story is this, in what book, written by whom? Who won the battle? How? Why the heck had Agamemnon come there with his army in the first place?
I8 - Sports
Who were the only two pitchers to ever pitch no-hitters through nine innings in the same baseball game?
I7 - History
Darius the Great, King of Persia, had an army which suffered only one defeat. 30,000 Persian soldiers were defeated by an army of 7,000 soldiers in 490 B. C. Who were the victors and what was the name of the battle and how far did the victors have to travel to return home from the battle.
I6 - Sports
What was "Merkle's Boner" and what was its effect?
I5 - History
The information revolution and the first dirt trail of what was to become the information super highway could be said to have had its beginnings in 1450-1455. Why?
I4 - Literature
Who wrote "After Many a Summer Dies the Swan"? Name one other book written by this author.
I3 - Literature
Rima, bird girl of the Amazon jungle, was a creation of what author in what novel?
I2 - History
Who was the famous son of Phillip of Macedonia?
I1 - History
What was "Seward's Folly"?
II15 - Culture
A South African film with a cult following, it is about the quest of an aborigine named Ki to throw a Coke bottle off the edge of the world. What is the name of the movie and why did Ki want to get rid of the Coke bottle?
see Answer
II14 - History
In the nineteenth century Fisk and Ramsey fought from Albany to Binghamton. Eventually Ramsey won. Over what did they fight?
see Answer
II13 - History
The original Drug Czar was Lin Tse-hsü. When and where?
see Answer
II12 - Culture
It is the late 1950s. You are approached by a stranger. He introduces himself. He is Michael Anthony. He gives you a tax free check for $1,000,000.00. He says it is from an anonymous benefactor and that the money is yours to do with as you wish subject to two conditions. You can tell no one the amount of the gift or where you got it. If you do you will forfeit whatever amount remains. Who is your anonymous benefactor?
II11 - Sports
A league leading pitcher, he was the second major league baseball player ever to throw a perfect game. After his pitching arm went bad he became the best shortstop of his era. He invented the pitcher's mound and the intentional walk. He earned a law degree from Columbia University and was the President of the Brotherhood of Professional Baseball Players. Who was this baseball pioneer?
II10 - Sports
The only player in Major League Baseball to die as a result of an injury suffered on the field during a Major League baseball game was a batter hit by a pitch. Who was the batter? Who was the pitcher? In what year did this occur? What teams were involved?
II9 - History
He unified his warrior people in the 13th century and by the time of his death had established the largest empire the world has ever seen. Feared as a barbarian, he was known for his cruelty. He is said to have slaughtered at least 39 million people. He nonetheless is considered to have been the founder of a basis for a cultural awakening, expanded trade, and freedom of religion in a time of religious repression. Who was this mighty conqueror?
II8 - Mythology
The Norse Goddess of love and beauty, she was also a warrior goddess. Who was she? What animals pulled her chariot? How did she acquire her precious Brisings' necklace?
II7 - Literature
His father was Mudjekeewis, the West-Wind. His mother was Wenonah, daughter of Nokomis. When his father deserted his mother she died of anguish, so he was raised by his grandmother, Nokomis. When he reached manhood he sought and found his father on the gusty summits of the Rocky Mountains. His father said,
    "Welcome, to the kingdom of the West-Wind!
    Long have I been waiting for you!
    Youth is lovely, age is lonely,
    Youth is fiery, age is frosty;
    You bring back the days departed,
    You bring back my youth of passion,
    And the beautiful Wenonah!"
Who was this fictional boy of nature and environmentalist?
Who wrote what epic poem in which we read of his life?
II6 - History
On April 12th and 13th, 1861, Confederate troops under Brigadier General Beauregard bombarded Fort Sumter in Charleston Harbor, South Carolina. The fort was defended by Union troops under Major Robert Anderson. The fort was burned and later surrendered. In spite of the heavy artillery fire from both sides during the two day battle no one was killed on either side. However, two union soldiers were killed and three wounded the next day during the formal ceremony of surrender. They were firing their cannon in salute to the American flag when a pile of cartridges exploded prematurely. What is the connection between this battle and the game of baseball?
II5 - Literature
Alec Leamas, George Smiley and Liz Gold were characters from what novel written by what English diplomat who was once an Intelligence officer in Austria?
II4 - Literature
The Devil, we're told, in hell was chained,
And a thousand years he there remained,
And he never complained, nor did he groan,
But determined to start a hell of his own
Where he could torment the souls of men
Without being chained to a prison pen.

So he asked the Lord if he had on hand
Anything left when He made the land."

Well it happened that the Lord did have plenty on hand but he told the devil that "the stuff is so poor, I don't think you could use it in hell any more."
But the devil went down to look at the truck,
And said if it came as a gift, he was stuck;
For after examining it careful and well
He concluded the place was too dry for hell.
So in order to get it off his hands
God promised the devil to water the lands.
Where was this God forsaken place?
II3 - Literature
A prolific writer she spent most of her life in her house until her death in 1886. She had a very close (some said romantic) relationship with her brother's wife. Who was this well known author?
II2 - Culture
That toddling town that Billy Sunday could not shut down?
II1 - History
It started on a late Saturday night in September in a baker's shop on Pudding Lane. The fire was spread by a dry wind and burned the bridge across the river on Sunday. By the time it burned itself out on Wednesday, it had destroyed 13,200 houses, 87 churches, a custom house, a post office and a cathedral. Where was this great fire and in what year did it occur?
III5 - History
In the early 17th century the Pope gave him permission to write a book discussing both Aristotelian and Copernican theories. The permission granted contained two conditions: he would not take sides and he would come to the conclusion that man could not determine how the world worked because God could bring about any effects he wanted in ways unimagined by man, who could not place restrictions on God's omnipotence. The book was published in 1632 and was immmediately greeted throughout Europe as a literary and philosophical masterpiece. The Pope then regretted permitting the book to be published and brought the author before the Inquisition. Who was this famous author and what was the title of his book?
see Answer
III4 - Science
When Einstein formulated the General Theory of Relativity he added a so- called, ``cosmological constant''. Einstein later said, "The cosmological constant was the greatest mistake of my life." Why did he add it and what discovery proved it to be a mistake?
see Answer
III3 - Mathematics
Give examples of and discuss transcendental numbers?
see Answer
III2 - Agriculture
My soil test results report recommends 300 pounds of 5-10-15 per acre on my 30 acre pasture field. How many pounds each of 34-0-0, 18-46-0 and 0-0-60 must I mix to spread on my field to satisfy the soil test recommendations?
see Answer
III1 - History
In 1842 Alexander Cartwright and his Knickerbockers began play in Madison Square in New York. What were they playing?
see Answer
IV14 - Music
Song Lyrics:
        Beneath this snowy mantle cold and clean
        The unborn grass lies waiting
        For its coat to turn to green
Who or what?
        Speaks to me of flowers
        That will bloom again in spring
        
        When I was young my heart was young then too
        Anything that it would tell me
        That's the thing that I would do
        But now I feel such emptiness within
        For the thing that I want most in life's
        The thing that I can't win
Click here for an audio clue.
see Answer
IV13 - Culture - Song lyrics
A popular song:
      Although I know it's strictly taboo
      When you arouse a need in me
      My heart says, "Yes, Indeed" in me
      Proceed with what you're leading me to
      It's such an ancient pitch
      But one that I'd never switch
      For there's no nicer _________  than you.
Fill in the blank (one word).
      I've got no defense for it
      The heat is too intense for it
      What good would common sense for it do?
What is it? (It's the name of the song.)
see Answer
IV12 - Music
With four hungry children and a crop in the field, who did what?
Click here for an audio clue.
see Answer
IV11 - History
For about 250 years Tokugawa ruled in Edo. When did this occur? Where was Edo?
see Answer
IV10 - Literature
From the same work:
       Beware the ides of March.
Why? What may happen then?
       He has a lean and hungry look;
       He thinks too much:  such men are dangerous.
Who?
       Cowards die many times before their deaths; 
       The valiant never taste of death but once. 
       Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, 
       It seems to me most strange that men should fear; 
       Seeing that death, a necessary end, 
       Will come when it will come. 
Who is the speaker?
see Answer
IV9 - History
What is this?


see Answer
IV8 - Games
The playing board for an old game looks like this.


What is the game?


see Answer
IV7 - History
Among all the records kept by Indians of North America in the 19th century and particularly in the pictographic "winter counts" kept by the Sioux there is a common theme in referring to the winter of 1833/1834. What happened then that seemed so significant to the Indians?
see Answer
IV6 - Art
It has been said that in the 1920s one in four American homes contained a copy of a painting or illustration by this American artist born in 1870. His works included "Moonrise" and the mural, "Old King Cole" painted in 1895 for the Mask and Wig Club. He had a yearly calendar contract with Edison Mazda (General Electric). Who was this famous artist?
see Answer
IV5 - Art and Literature
Two Part question on related themes.


Name the work and the artist?

        From my youth upwards 
        My spirit walk'd not with the souls of men,  
        Nor look'd upon the earth with human eyes; 
        The thirst of their ambition was not mine; 
        The aim of their existence was not mine; 
        My joys, my griefs, my passions, and my powers, 
        Made me a stranger; though I wore the form,    
        I had no sympathy with breathing flesh, 
        Nor midst the creatures of clay that girded me 
        Was there but one who- but of her anon. 
        I said with men, and with the thoughts of men, 
        I held but slight communion; but instead, 
        My joy was in the Wilderness, to breathe
        The difficult air of the iced mountain's top,
        Where the birds dare not build, nor insect's wing 
        Flit o'er the herbless granite; or to plunge 
        Into the torrent, and to roll along 
        On the swift whirl of the new breaking wave 
        Of river-stream, or ocean, in their flow. 
        In these my early strength exulted; or 
        To follow through the night the moving moon, 
        The stars and their development, or catch 
        The dazzling lightnings till my eyes grew dim; 
        Or to look, list'ning, on the scatter'd leaves,
        While Autumn winds were at their evening song. 
        These were my pastimes, and to be alone; 
        For if the beings, of whom I was one,-
        Hating to be so,- cross'd me in my path, 
        I felt myself degraded back to them,
        And was all clay again.
Name the work and the author? Where was the character when he said these words?
see Answer
IV4 - History
According to a recent column by a popular newspaper columnist, during its history of nearly half a century, only one member of NATO has ever had its territory invaded by the armed forces of another nation. What two nations were involved, when, and what was the outcome?
see Answer
IV3 - History
When he conquered Kalinga in 225 B.C., he was disgusted by what he saw of the cruelties and horrors of war. He declared that he would no longer seek conquest by war, but by religion, and the rest of his life was devoted to the spreading of Buddhism throughout the world. Who was this, the only military monarch on record who abandoned warfare after victory?
see Answer
IV2 - Science?
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. Huh?
see Answer
IV1 - Literature
When the hurlyburly's done,
When the battle's lost and won.
Ere the set of sun.
Who will do what in thunder, lightning or in rain? Where? With whom?
see Answer
V6 - Math - Topology
The first one-sided surface (pictured below) was discovered in the early nineteenth century and is named for its discoverer. What is it called?


see Answer
V5 - Literature
How could he possibly be?
 
        "At once a cook, and a captain bold,
             And the mate of the Nancy brig,
        And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
             And the crew of the captain's gig."
 

see Answer
V4 - Literature
Name the work and the author?
    Were you ever out in the great alone, when the moon was awful clear,
    And the icy mountains hemmed you in with a silence you most could hear;
    With only the howl of a timber wolf, and you camped there in the cold,
    A half-dead thing in the stark, dead world, clean mad for the muck called gold;
    While high overhead, green, yellow and red, the North Lights swept in bars --

see Answer
V3 - Math
Radio station A is 312 miles directly north of station B. Shortly before noon both stations receive distress signals from a ship, C. The bearing of C from A was found to be South 65 degrees 28 minutes East and the bearing of C from B was North 75 degrees 18 minutes East. If a plane left B at noon flying at 280 mph, at what time did it reach the ship? Explain your calculations.
see Answer
V2 - History
What happened from October 5 through October 14, 1582?
see Answer
V1 - History
Barefooted, clad in a coarse garment, riding on an ass, and bearing a huge cross, this man travelled about France and Germany, and everywhere harangued vast crowds in church or street or market-place. He led great unruly mobs of people to their massacre in Hungary and across the Bophorus. Who was this character of the end of the first century of the present millennium and what movement did he help to initiate?
see Answer
V8 - Literature
She was a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. Her cheeks were like halves of a pomegranate. Her two breasts were like two fawns that feed among the lilies.
He was as an apple tree among the trees of the wood. He was like a gazelle or a young stag. He pastured his flock among the lilies.
The voice of the turtledove was heard in the land.
Where do we read of this couple? (Hint: Its not in the Starr Report.)
see Answer
V7 - Math
Water flowing from two pipes into a vat can fill the vat in 2 hours. It takes the smaller pipe alone 3 hours longer than the larger pipe. One day both pipes were opened simultaneously. At the end of 2 hours it was discovered that one pipe had become clogged and the vat was only half full. How many hours would each pipe alone require to fill the vat? Which pipe became clogged and how long was it clogged?
see Answer
V9 - Music
Song Lyrics:
        This land is mine, God gave this land to me
        This brave and ancient land to me
        And when the morning sun reveals her hills and plain
        Then I see a land where children can run free
        
        So take my hand and walk this land with me
        And walk this lovely land with me
        Though I am just a man, when you are by my side
        With the help of God, I know I can be strong
Click here for an audio clue.
What land?
see Answer
V10 - Math
Lewis Carroll's Problem
As cited by M. Gardner in his Mathematical Circus.
      A bag contains a counter, known to be either white or black. A
      white counter is put in, the bag is shaken, and a counter is drawn
      out, which proves to be white. What is now the chance of
      drawing a white counter? 

see Answer
V11 - Literature
For Halloween:

  
      Eye of newt and toe of frog, 
           Wool of bat and tongue of dog.
       
      What are these 
           So wither'd and so wild in their attire, 
           That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth, 
           And yet are on 't? 
       
      Fair is foul, and foul is fair:
           Hover through the fog and filthy air.
Identify the work and the author?
see Answer
V12 - Science
What is the purpose of the "Fly's Eye" in the Utah desert?
see Answer
V13 - Logic
A recent murder case centered around the six men, Clayton, Forbes, Graham, Holgate, McFee, and Warren. In one order or another these men were the victim, the murderer, the witness, the policeman, the judge, and the hangman. The facts of the case were simple. The victim had died instantly from the effect of a gunshot wound inflicted at close range. The witness did not see the crime committed, but swore to hearing an altercation followed by a shot. After a lengthy trial the murderer was convicted, sentenced to death, and hanged. What role did each man play in this unfortunate melodrama?
see Answer
V14 - Literature
His epic poem told about the legendary founding of the Roman nation by survivors of the destruction of Troy. It also contained an explanation for the historical animosity between Carthage and Rome. Who was this poet and what was the name of his poem named for his heroic Trojan character?
see Answer
V15 - Logic
Four men and four women are shipwrecked on a desert island. Eventually each one falls in love with one other, and is himself loved by one person. John falls in love with a girl who is, unfortunately, in love with Jim. Arthur loves a girl who loves the man who loves Ellen. Mary is loved by the man who is loved by the girl who is loved by Bruce. Gloria hates Bruce and is hated by the man whom Hazel loves. Who loves Arthur?
see Answer
V16 - History
What was the compromise of Camillus (367 B.C.)?
see Answer
V17 - Math
Supply the missing number in the following sequence:
see Answer
V18 - History
He was called "Little Boots" in Latin. What was his real name?
see Answer
VI1 - Agriculture
When my dad sowed grass in our farm fields he would sow a grass such as fescue or orchard grass or timothy and legumes, usually ladino clover and red clover. He would give me a large tub along with the clover seeds, a container of water and a package of fine black powder. My job was to pour the seeds into the tub, moisten them with water, and then thoroughly mix the black powder in until it was sticking to all the seeds. After this job my hands were covered with a wet slime of black powder. What was the black powder and why did my dad want it on all the clover seeds before he sowed them?
see Answer
VI2 - Math
A man in a boat 5 miles from the nearest point of a straight beach wishes to reach in the shortest possible time a place 5 miles from that point along the shore. If he can run 6 miles an hour, but can row only 4 miles an hour, where should he land?
see Answer
VI3 - Music
Song Lyrics:
           The game of life is hard to play   
           I'm going to lose it anyway   
           The losing card I'll someday lay   
           And this is all I have to say,
           
            ......................
           
           The only way to win is cheat   
           And lay it down before I'm beat   
           And to another give a seat   
           For that's the only painless feat, 
           
            ......................
            
           The sword of time will pierce our skins   
           It doesn't hurt when it begins   
           but as it works its way on in   
           The pain grows stronger - watch it grin           
  
Click here for an audio clue.
What is the NAME of the song? (not where is it from.)
see Answer
VI4 - Math
A genius came to a narrow railroad bridge and began to run across it. He had crossed three eighths of the distance when a whistle behind him warned of an approaching train. Being a genius, he instantly evaluated his alternatives. If he were to run back to the beginning of the bridge at his speed of 10 mph, he would leave the bridge at precisely the moment the train entered it. If he kept on running to the end of the bridge, the train would reach him just as he left the bridge. At what speed was the train moving? (If you wonder how he would know that, remember, he was a genius.)
see Answer
VI5 - History
He turned back the Allied invasion at Gallipoli in 1915 and expelled the Greeks from Izmir in 1919. Who was this young Turk, founder of modern Turkey?
see Answer
VI6 - Logic
If you have a balance scale, what is the minimum number of weights that can be used to weigh any number of pounds from one to forty? What are the weights?
see Answer
VI7 - Agriculture
My soil test results report recommended that my 2 acre tobacco field should have an application of 1 ton (2000 pounds) of 5-10-15 fertilizer per acre and that the source of potassium should be sulfate of potash to prevent curing and quality problems from excess cloride if muriate of potash were applied. At the fertilizer plant where they mix bulk fertilizers for the analysis required by local farmers they have available:
Material             Analysis
--------             ------- 
Muriate of potash    0-0-60  
DAP                  18-46-0 
Urea                 46-0-0  
Ammonia nitrate      34-0-0  
Sulfate of potash    0-0-50
If they mix my bulk fertilizer from DAP, Urea, and Sulfate of potash, how much actual material will be applied to my 2 acre tobacco patch?
see Answer
VI8 - Math
Where must I divide a straight line so that the ratio of the length of the entire line to the length of the longer segment is equal to the ratio of the length of the longer segment to the length of the shorter segment? When you find the larger of the two numbers which can answer this question please tell its significance and give a web reference.
see Answer
VI9 - Literature
Where did Alph, the sacred river, run through caverns measureless to man down to a sunless sea? Who decreed that what would be built there?
see Answer
VI10 - Logic
Two men are talking. One says to the other, "I have three sons whose ages I want you to ascertain from the following clues. Stop me when you know their ages.
The sum of their ages is thirteen.
The product of their ages is the same as your age.
My oldest son has one ear pierced."

"Stop," says the second man. "I know their ages."

What are they?
see Answer

VI11 - Culture
Now here's to Daddy Claxton, may his name forever stand
And always be remembered through the courts throughout the land
His earthly race is over, now the curtains round him fall
How will we carry him home to victory?
see Answer
VI12 - Logic
You have two hourglasses -- a four minute glass and a seven minute glass. You want to measure nine minutes. How do you do it?
see Answer
VI13 - Culture
According to the lyrics, identify the three bells in the life of Jimmy Brown.
see Answer
VI14 - History
What significant thing did Lieut. Frank P. Lahm do on September 9, 1908?
see Answer
VI15 - Mathematics and Physics
Many people are not really proficient in math and physics. That may explain why people have been known to celebrate special occasions by firing guns into the air. Suppose a soldier, in celebrating the end of a war, fires his rifle straight up into the air, not realizing that a bullet shot straight up will come straight down and will be traveling at about the same velocity when it returns as when it left the barrel of the gun. Suppose the muzzle velocity of the bullet is 400 feet per second. The distance in feet, s, a body will fall from rest in t seconds is given by the formula s=16*t*t. If the soldier does not move, what is his life expectancy? What will be the maximum height reached by the bullet? Ignore the air resistance in your calculations.
see Answer
VI16 - History
He hid rolls of 35mm film in a hollowed out pumpkin in his pumpkin patch. These were developed and used as evidence in a famous spy case. Who hid the film? Who was the alleged spy? When did this occur? This case raised the public profile of a politician who would later become President of the United States. Name him.
see Answer
VI17 - History
Where is the Sea of Moscow?
see Answer
VI18 - History
In the largest man-made non-nuclear explosion ever, over 2,000 people were killed, over 9,000 were injured and half a city was destroyed. When, where and what was the cause?
see Answer
VI19 - Math
A man buys a string 25,000 miles long and sets out to stretch it around the circumference of the earth. When he reaches his starting point, he discovers that the string is, in fact, 25000 miles and one yard long. Rather than cut the string, he decides to tie the ends together and distribute the extra 36 inches evenly around the entire circumference. How far does the string stand out from the earth because of the extra yard? (Disregard the length of the string used to tie the knot. And, yes, you can assume that the circumference of the earth is exactly 25,000 miles.)
see Answer
VII1 - Math
If a hobo can make one cigar to smoke from five cigar butts, how many cigars can he make and smoke if he finds twenty-five cigar butts?
see Answer
VII2 - Culture
        Straight overhead the orb of noon
        Beat down with brimstone breath:
        The desert wind from south and west 
        Was blistering flame and death.
    
        ..............................
 
        We feasted high there
        And had much milk and meat.
        The tables groaned to give us power
        Wherewith to save the wheat.
        Our beds were sweet alfalfa hay
        Within the barn-loft wide.
        The loft doors opened out upon
        The endless wheat-field tide.
 
        I loved to watch the windmills spin
        And watch that big moon rise.
        I dreamed and dreamed with lids half-shut,
        The moonlight in my eyes.
 
        For all men dream there
        By noonday and by night,
        By sunrise yellow, red and wild,
        And moonrise wild and white.
     
        The wind would drive the glittering clouds,
        The cottonwoods would croon,
        And past the sheaves and through the leaves
        Came whispers from the moon.
Who wrote these words describing what place?
see Answer
VII3 - Math
On New Year's morning, January 1, 2000, I received a phone call from a local businessman. He said that his computer failed to recognize the year 2000 and as a result the scheduling program on which his business depended gave incorrect calendar pages and was therefore useless. I explained that if he set the year properly in the twentieth century, his calendar pages would be correct though the year would be wrong. He said that this solution would work fine because he could simply instruct his employees to ignore the year. I then told him the latest year in the twentieth century which he could use. Fortunately his computer accepted that year and he was able to continue using the computer and the program. What year did I tell him to use and what are the three latest years before that one that had the same calendar pages?
see Answer
VII4 - Math
In most scientific calculators pressing the following keys:
(4 + 5) * 6 =
will give the answer 54.
I get the same answer by pressing these keys:
4 [ENTER] 5 + 6 *
What type of calculator am I using?
see Answer
VII5 - Culture
He is credited with directing the following movies among many others:
 Boy Meets Girl                 1994
 Burn Hollywood Burn            1998   
         With Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg, Ryan O'Neal, Jackie Chan
 Catchfire (aka Backtrack)      1991
         With Dennis Hopper & Jodie Foster
 Death of a Gunfighter          1969
         With Richard Widmark
 Dune                           1984       TV version
 Fade In (aka Iron Cowboy)      1968
 Ghost Fever                    1987
 Hellraiser IV: Bloodline       1996
Since 1967 he has been credited with over 50 movies and TV shows. Who is this, not so famous, director and when was he born?
see Answer
VII6 - History/Math
Before 200 BC, Eratosthenes figured out the size of the earth, and he was right within about 10%. How did he do that?
see Answer
VII7 - Math
Joe and Sam are at a party. Joe says,"I don't know these people but I just counted the number of people here and there are 25 besides myself. That means that if you asked them to group themselves by the month of their birth there would be an average of about two people in each group. Nevertheless I will bet you $50.00 even money that at least two of the people in this room have the same birthday, month and day."
Assuming that the people at the party are also strangers to Sam, should Sam take Joe's bet? Why or why not?
see Answer
VII8 - History
If you win a victory at a cost to you in resources that is more than you can afford you may say, "One more victory like that and I am lost." Such a victory is called a pyrrhic victory. Why?
see Answer
VII9 - Math
Suppose ten marbles are inserted into a box based on the tosses of an unbiased coin, a white marble being inserted when the coin turns up heads and a black one when the coin turns up tails. Suppose someone who knows how the marbles were selected but not what their colors are selects ten marbles from the box one at a time at random, returning each marble and mixing the marbles thoroughly before making another selection. If all ten examined marbles turn out to be white, what is the probability to the nearest percent that all ten marbles in the box are white?
see Answer
VIII1 - Geography
Which State has the longest coastline: Texas, California, Michigan, or Florida?
see Answer
VIII2 - Culture
Where is this?
A law was made a distant moon ago here
July and August cannot be too hot
And there's a legal limit to the snow here
 
The winter is forbidden till December
And exits March the second on the dot
By order summer lingers through September
 
The rain may never fall till after sundown
By eight the morning fog must disappear
  
The snow may never slush upon the hillside
By nine PM the moonlight must appear
 

see Answer
VIII3 - Math
This puzzle appeared in a newspaper in 1930.
Joe Simmons of New York married his second wife in 1900. His age in whole years at his death was one twenty-ninth of the year of his birth. In the year he died he had already celebrated his birthday. How old was he at his second wedding?
see Answer
VIII4 - History
What is the place in American history and the claim to fame of this Tennessee cattle buyer?


see Answer
VIII5 - Math
A rectangular piece of tin three fourths as wide as it is long is made into a box by cutting out a 2-inch square from each corner and turning up the sides. Cutting out a 3-inch square from each corner would diminish the volume of the box by 12 cubic inches. What are the dimensions of the piece of tin?
see Answer
VIII6 - Literature
Where?
    Where the old Flotilla lay:
    ..................
    Where the flyin'-fishes play,
    An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!

see Answer
VIII7 - Math
An equilateral triangle has its base, which is 10 inches long, lying in a horizonal plane. The plane of the triangle meets the horizonal plane at an angle of 47 degrees 12 minutes. Find the shortest distance from the opposite vertex of the equilateral triangle to the horizonal plane.
see Answer
VIII8 - Math
A man offered me a motorcycle two years ago for $1,024.00; a year later his price was $640.00; a little while after he asked a level $400.00; and last week he was willing to sell for $250.00. The next time he reduces the price I shall buy. At what price will I purchase if he makes a consistent reduction?
see Answer
VIII9 - Culture
Oh mother, tell your children
Not to do what I have done
Spend your lives in sin and misery
In the ? ? ? ? ?
see Answer
VIII10 - Agriculture
When I was growing up on a farm in Kentucky in the 1960s we had several dairy cattle including holsteins, jerseys, guernseys and a brown swiss. Sometimes when we would return to the house from milking the cows in the morning my dad would place a phone call to a local technician. Later that day or the next day the man called would arrive in our driveway in a white truck with an enclosed bed and the letters "KABA" on the doors. He would get out and he and my dad would examine a catalog the technician brought. Afterward he would open a stainless steel container in the back of the truck and a fog of evaporating liquid nitrogen would emerge. The technician would then remove a labeled strawlike glass tube containing a milky looking frozen liquid. My dad would write a payment check and give it to the technician and we would go into the barn to take delivery of the product purchased. What was my dad purchasing? (Not necessary for credit, but do you know, or can you guess, what the letters, "KABA" meant?)
see Answer
VIII11 - History
Where and when in history might we find helots, perioeci and Spartiates?
see Answer
VIII12 - Math
Given a square whose side is 2. The middle points of its adjacent sides are joined by straight lines forming a second square inscribed in the first. In the same manner, a third square is inscribed in the second, a fourth in the third, and so on indefinitely. Find the sum of the perimeters of all the squares.
see Answer
VIII13 - History
On a winter night in 373 B.C. an earthquake caused a tidal wave that caused an entire city to sink beneath the sea and all the people were said to have perished. For several centuries after the disaster writers reported that the ruins of the city could still be seen on the sea floor, just offshore. Then all traces of the city disappeared from history. Recently archaeologists think that they have discovered the location of the city. What city is this and where, in general terms, is it located?
see Answer
VIII14 - Agriculture
What is this food plant that becomes much in demand during the holiday season?


see Answer
IX1 - Math
Steve takes three identical blank cards. He makes a red mark on each side of one. He makes a black mark on each side of another. On the third he marks red on one side and black on the other. He then mixes the cards in a hat and has Joe draw a card and place it on the table in such a way that no one sees the bottom side of the card. The upper side of the card drawn has a red mark. Steve says to Joe, "Obviously we are not dealing with the black-black card. That one is clearly still in the hat. We definitely have either the red-black card or the red-red card. We shuffled fairly and drew at random, so it is just as likely to be one of these as the other. I will therefore bet you even money that the other side is red." Should Joe take this bet? Why or why not?
see Answer
IX2 - Math
How does Simpson's Paradox apply to the December 18 meeting of the Electoral College in the United States to elect the President of the country?
see Answer
IX3 - History
According to legend what is the connection among Pope John VIII, the sella stercoraria and Via Sacra, the street avoided by popes?
see Answer
IX4 - Biology
According to Hoyle and Wickramasinghe, what may be the origin of life on earth?
see Answer
IX5 - Logic
You are blindfolded before a table. On the table are a very large number of pennies. You are told 100 of the pennies are heads up and the rest are tails up. How can you create two subgroups of pennies, each with the same number of heads facing up? The subgroups will not necessarily be the same size. Assume you cannot tell if a penny is heads up by feel. (You are wearing gloves.)
see Answer
IX6 - Culture
Who was this novice artist, songwriter and singer?

Click here for a Real Audio clue.

see Answer
IX7 - Math
Find the product of the following: (x-a)(x-b)(x-c) . . . (x-z)?
see Answer
IX8 - Geography
Which one of these does not belong and what is the name given to the rest as a group?
see Answer
IX9 - Logic
Three business men - Smith, Robinson, and Jones - all live in the Leeds- Sheffield district. Three railwaymen of similar names live in the same district. The business man, Robinson, and the guard live at Sheffield; the business man, Jones, and the stoker live at Leeds; while the business man, Smith, and the railway engineer live half-way between Leeds and Sheffield. The guard's namesake earns $100,000 per annum, and the engineer earns exactly 1/3 as much as the business man living nearest to him. Finally, the railwayman, Smith, beats the stoker at billards. What is the engineer's name?
see Answer
IX10 - Culture
Why did the Tennessee Stud's green eyes turn blue?
see Answer
IX11 - Culture
What is the relationship between Galatea and Eliza Doolittle?
see Answer
IX12 - History
When and where was the BMAC civilization?
see Answer
IX13 - History
If I decide to put a pukao atop my moai, where am I and approximately when?
see Answer
IX14 - Math
A customer at a 7-11 store selected four items to buy, and was told that the cost was $7.11. He was curious that the cost was the same as the store name, so he inquired as to how the figure was derived. The clerk said that he had simply multiplied the prices of the four individual items. The customer protested that the four prices should have been ADDED, not MULTIPLIED. The clerk said that that was OK with him, but, the result was still the same: exactly $7.11.
What were the prices of the four items?
see Answer
IX15 - Culture
Ten years ago on a cold dark night there was someone killed beneath the town hall light.
The Judge said, "Son, what is your alibi? If you were somewhere else then you won't have to die."
I spoke not a word though it meant my life.
Why not? Where was I?
see Answer
IX16 - Culture
Geoffrey of Monmouth wrote of a man, son of Utherpendragon, whose half sister was Morgana and whose nemesis was Mordred. Who was he?
see Answer
IX17 - Math
What is this?


see Answer
IX18 - Math
A number consists of three digits which are in arithmetic progression. The number divided by the sum of its digits is equal to 26. If the number is increased by 198, the digits in the units and hundreds places will be interchanged. Find the number.
see Answer
X1 - Literature
Who speaks these words?
Let me have men about me that are fat;
Sleek-headed men and such as sleep o' nights:
Yond ...... has a lean and hungry look;
He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.
Specifically where, in what literary work?
see Answer
X2 - History
How much time elapsed from the time the Soviet Union joined the war against Japan in World War II to the day the Japanese surrendered?
see Answer
X3 - Math
A man had nine children, all born at regular intervals, and the sum of the squares of their ages was equal to the square of his own. What was the age of each? Every age was an exact number of years greater than zero.
see Answer
X4 - Literature
Which one of the following does not belong and why?
  1. Robert Penn Warren
  2. Jesse Stuart
  3. Janice Holt Giles
  4. Harriet Simpson Arnow
  5. Henry David Thoreau
  6. Harry Caudill
  7. Barbara Kingsolver
  8. Wendell Berry
  9. John Fox, Jr.

see Answer
X5 - Literature
Who?
 
    I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself,
    than be crowded on a velvet cushion.
 
    I have a great deal of company in my house;
    especially in the morning, when nobody calls.
 
    Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
    as when you find a trout in the milk.
 
    I had three pieces of limestone on my desk,
    but I was terrified to find that they required to be dusted daily,
    when the furniture of my mind was all undusted still,
    and threw them out the window in disgust.
 
    If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
    perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
 

see Answer
X6 - Math
A man is approaching the Washington Monument, 555 feet high, walking on level ground at the uniform rate of 5 feet per second. At what rate is he approaching the top of the monument when he is 100 feet from its base?
see Answer
X7 - Math
If this is the decimal notation system,
-7, -6, -5, -4, -3, -2, -1, 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, . . ., 19
What is this?
111, 110, 111, 11, 10, 11, 1, 0, 1, 11, 10, 11, 111, 110, 111, . . ., 1101
see Answer
X8 - History
Born in 1783, this man became the national hero of five countries. What was his name?
see Answer
X9 - Logic
What is the missing number in this series?
73, 12, 6, 3, 5, ___, 4, 4
see Answer
XI1 - Logic
It will be 110 years before another year has a certain property in common with this year (2002). What property?
see Answer
XI2 - Math
A man went into a bank to cash a check. In handing over the money the cashier, by mistake, gave him dollars for cents and cents for dollars. He pocketed the money without examining it, and spent a nickel on the way home. He then found that he possessed exactly twice the amount of the check. He had no money in his pocket before going to the bank. What was the exact amount of that check?
see Answer
XI3 - Culture
Sara Daugherty
Alvin Pleasant Carter
Maybelle Addington?
see Answer
XI4 - Math
A box whose capacity is to be 160 cu. ft. is to have a square base and top. If the bottom costs 4 cents a square foot, the top 6 cents a square foot, and the sides 2 cents a square foot, find the dimensions of the box that will make the cost a minimum. What will be the cost?
see Answer
XI5 - History
Born in 1703, he taught that all accretions to Islam after the 3d cent. of the Muslim era-i.e., after c.950-were spurious and must be expunged. He was driven from Medina for his preaching but later converted the Saud tribe. Who was this true believer whose followers have caused much death and misery in the world during the last three centuries and until today?
see Answer
XI6 - Culture
Which one does not belong and why?
see Answer
XI7 - Agriculture
If it has a cria and kushes, what is it?
see Answer
XI8 - Culture
According to the song, who "beats the belles of Tennessee"?
see Answer
XI9 - Math
In 1984 February had five Wednesdays. That has not occurred since. What is the next year in which February will have five Wednesdays?
see Answer
XII1 - Math
Al, Bob and Charlie need to make a journey of 40 miles. Al can walk at 1 mile per hour. Bob can walk at 2 miles per hour. Charlie rides in a donkey cart at 8 miles per hour.
They all start together, with Bob on foot and Al riding with Charlie in the donkey cart. After a while, Charlie drops off Al and Al walks the rest of the way. Charlie immediately goes back to pick up Bob (who has been walking the whole time). Bob rides with Charlie the rest of the way. Al, Bob and Charlie all complete the trip at exactly the same time.
How long did the trip take?
see Answer
XII2 - Logic
Complete the blanks below, to make each sentence true.
The number of times the digit 0 appears in this puzzle is ______.
The number of times the digit 1 appears in this puzzle is ______.
The number of times the digit 2 appears in this puzzle is ______.
The number of times the digit 3 appears in this puzzle is ______.
The number of times the digit 4 appears in this puzzle is ______.
The number of times the digit 5 appears in this puzzle is ______.
The number of times the digit 6 appears in this puzzle is ______.
The number of times the digit 7 appears in this puzzle is ______.
The number of times the digit 8 appears in this puzzle is ______.
The number of times the digit 9 appears in this puzzle is ______.

see Answer
XII3 - Math
You are driving by car to a particular destination, and our only assumption is that you are free to drive at any speed you choose - no traffic jams or anything like that. For the first half of the journey (i.e. half the distance) you drive at 20 miles per hour. You then realise that this is all taking much too long, and that you are going to be late. You therefore decide that you will increase your speed so that your overall average speed for the whole journey will be 40 miles per hour. How fast do you have to drive for the remaining part of your journey in order for your average speed for the whole journey to be 40 miles per hour?
see Answer
XII4 - Logic
There are no tricks - this is a straight forward problem. This is supposed to be one of the questions which potential Microsoft employees are asked.

U2 have a concert that starts in 17 minutes and they must all cross a bridge to get there. All four men begin on the same side of the bridge. You must help them across to the other side. It is night. There is one flashlight.

A maximum of two people can cross at one time. Any party that crosses the bridge, either 1 or 2 people, must have the flashlight with them. The flashlight must be carried back and forth, it cannot be thrown, etc. Each band member walks at a different speed. A pair must walk together at the rate of the slower man's pace:

* Bono: - 1 minute to cross
* Edge: - 2 minutes to cross
* Adam: - 5 minutes to cross
* Larry: - 10 minutes to cross


For example: if Bono and Larry walk across first, 10 minutes have elapsed by the time they get to the other side of the bridge. If Larry then returns with the flashlight, a total of 20 minutes have passed and you have failed the mission.

There is no trick to this. It is a simple movement of resources in the appropriate order. There are two known answers to this problem. Microsoft expects you to answer this question in under 5 minutes!
see Answer
XII5 - Logic
If 2 of the following statements are false, what chance is there that the egg came first?
Round to the nearest whole percent.
Note: If any part of a statement is false, then the entire statement must be false.
  1. The chicken came first.
  2. The egg came first.
  3. 1 is false, & 2 is true.

see Answer
XII6 - Logic
There are 5 houses, each is a different colour
In each house lives a person of a different nationality.
These 5 owners all drink a certain beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar and keep a certain pet.
No owner has the same pet, smokes the same brand of cigar or drinks the same drink as another owner.
  1. The Briton lives in a red house.
  2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets
  3. The Dane drinks tea
  4. The green house is on the left of the white house (they are also next door to each other)
  5. The green house owner drinks coffee
  6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds
  7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill
  8. The man living in the house right in the center drinks milk
  9. The Norwegian lives in the first house
  10. The man who smokes Blend lives next to the one who keeps cats
  11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill
  12. The owner who smokes Blue Master drinks beer
  13. The German smokes Prince
  14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house
  15. The man who smokes Blend has a neighbor who drinks water.
The question is: WHO KEEPS FISH?
see Answer
XII7 - Literature
The northern lights have seen queer sights! The queerest they ever did see was the night on the marge of Lake LaBarge when what happened? Give references?
see Answer
XII8 - Words
Which anagram does not belong and why?
see Answer
XIII1 - Geography
Which one does not belong and why? There are at least two correct answers to this question.
see Answer
XIII2 - Math
What is the next number in the series? Why?
0 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89 144 233 377 610 ....
see Answer
XIII3 - Logic
What is a fraction whose numerator is less than its denominator, but which, turned upside down, will remain of the same value?
see Answer
XIII4 - Literature
"Babies, like tough steaks, or the modern Greek olive trees, are invariably the better for beating- but, poor woman! she had the misfortune to be left-handed, and a child flogged left- handedly had better be left unflogged. The world revolves from right to left. It will not do to whip a baby from left to right. If each blow in the proper direction drives an evil propensity out, it follows that every thump in an opposite one knocks its quota of wickedness in. "
The baby in question was Toby Dammit, he who lost his head.
How did he lose it and who tells us this story?
see Answer
XIII5 - Math
Andy and Barney set off on a fishing trip driving to the old fishing hole in a lake upstate. On the trip to the lake Andy drives the first 40 miles and Barney drives the rest of the way. On their return after a successful fishing expedition Andy drives the first part of the trip and Barney drives the last 50 miles. Which fisherman drove the longest distance and by how many miles?
see Answer
XIII6 - Math
What is the missing number? Why this number?
see Answer
XIII7 - Math
Andy and Barney set off on a fishing trip driving to the old fishing hole 120 miles away in a lake upstate. On the trip to the lake Andy drives and, being the laid back soul he is, takes it easy averaging 40 miles per hour. On their return after a successful fishing expedition Barney drives and, being anxious to return home, averages 60 miles per hour. Barney says, "We both drove the same distance and since we averaged 40 miles per hour going and 60 miles per hour returning, our overall average speed was 50 miles per hour." They drove a total of five hours, three hours there and two hours back. At an average speed of 50 miles per hour driving for five hours they should have driven 250 miles, but the total round trip distance was only 240 miles. What gives?
see Answer
XIII8 - History
Before becoming isolationist in the 15th century, China was a seafaring nation. The head of the Chinese armada of treasure ships was a Muslim, a eunuch and a warrior. He vastly outdid his approximate contemporaries, the Western naval heroes who helped define the global Age of Exploration. His armada of giant junks was several times bigger than any of the fleets Columbus commanded nearly a century later. And his ships were five times longer than those of the celebrated Portuguese explorer Vasco da Gama. With more than 300 oceangoing vessels and a crew of nearly 30,000 men, He helped transform China into the region's, and perhaps the world's, 15th century superpower. He exacted tribute, brought Sultans to their knees and opened up trade routes that helped develop the enduring taste abroad for Chinese porcelain and silk.
Born in 1371, He died in 1433. Between 1405 and his death in 1433 during six major voyages, He and his men found the:
ostrich in Oman,
the giraffe in Kenya,
the Tooth of the Buddha in Sri Lanka,
the Rhinoceros in Sumatra,
the riding elephant in Java,
and the water buffalo in Viet Nam.
What was the name of this man who, some argue, may have even discovered America for the Chinese before Columbus?
see Answer
XIII9 - Literature
Add at least two names to this list and name the author for each.
see Answer
XIII10 - Math
The distance between Cairo and Damascus is 1000 miles. Your mission is to move a 10,000 kilograms load of grass from Cairo to Damascus using your camel, but you have two problems:

The camel won't budge unless you let it to continuously chew grass - it consumes 1 kilogram of grass per mile.
The camel's maximum load is 1000 kilograms.

Can you manage to get ANY of the grass to Damascus?
What is the maximum amount of grass that you can get there?
see Answer
XIII11 - History
The first battle of the modern age featured Gustavus Adolphus with Lennart Torstensson on artillery, Johan Baner on Calvary and Gustav Horn leading infantry. The opposite team saw Tilly's tercios supported by Pappenheim's calvary. Where and when did this occur? Who won? What features of this battle made it the first of the modern age?
see Answer
XIV1 - History
In the context of the picture below, what does A.E.I.O.U. stand for?

What is this picture?
see Answer
XIV2 - Culture
What is the title of this painting and who is the artist?


see Answer
XV1 - History
America's worst harbor explosion:
New York Times headline:
Blasts and Fires Wreck City of 15,000; 300 to 1,200 Dead; Thousands Hurt, Homeless; Wide Coast Area Rocked, Damage in Millions
Much of the boom industrial city of 15,000 population was destroyed or damaged. Property loss will run into millions of dollars.
Fires followed the blasts. Poisonous gas from exploding chemicals was reported to be filtering through the area.
The explosions and resulting fires killed more than 500 people and left 200 others missing.
Where and when?
see Answer
XV2 - Math
Of 6000 apples harvested, every third apple was too small, every fourth apple was too green, and every tenth apple was bruised. The remaining apples were perfect.
How many perfect apples were harvested? Please explain your reasoning.
see Answer
XV3 - Math
Let P be a point inside a square S so that the distances from P to the four vertices, in order, are 7, 35, 49, and x. What is x?
see Answer
XV4 - Literature
Please divide this list into two groups and explain your reasoning.
see Answer
XV5 - Literature
Who wrote these words in what work?
Well, that mockingbird's gonna sail away,
We're gonna forget it.
That big, fat moon is gonna shine like a spoon,
But we're gonna let it,
You won't regret it.

see Answer
XV6 - Literature
A circus performance is witnessed by 120 people who have paid a total of $120. The men paid $5, the women $2, and the children 10 cents each. How many of each went to the circus?
see Answer
XV7 - Literature
Where do we read the story of Dolores Haze? Who wrote the story? What was the redundant name of Delores' step-father?
Officer, officer, there they are--
Dolores Haze and her lover!
Whip out your gun and follow that car.
Now tumble out and take cover.

see Answer
XV8 - Art
This "brazen snake" picture is found where? Painted by what artist?
see Answer
XV10 - Culture
Name the artist most associated with each of the songs below:
see Answer
XV11 - Math
Andy walks down an up-escalator and counts 150 steps. Barney walks up the same escalator and counts 75 steps. Andy takes three times as many steps in a given time as Barney. How many steps are visible on the escalator?
see Answer
XV12 - Agriculture
In September I planned to sell 200 calves in November. I estimated that the calves would average weighing 750 pounds each at sale time. To hedge my sale price I paid $725 for two puts for November at 94 cents per pound. The puts mature on November 20. I sold the calves in late October for 96 cents per pound. On November 20 the published feeder cattle price was $1.02 per pound. How much money did I make or lose on the two puts? If I had fully hedged all my calves, how much would I have made or lost on the puts?
see Answer

Albany Canasta Rules by Duane Bristow

Players - from two to six each playing for himself or as partners. (see below.)

Cards - Three 52 card decks plus six jokers - 162 cards Aces rank high only. Twos and Jokers are wild. Cards other than wild cards are natural cards. Threes (and sometimes fours) are stoppers.

Deal - Draw for deal. Low card deals or winner of last game deals. Deal passes to the left. The dealer shuffles the cards, lets the player to his right cut the cards and deals one card at a time to each player beginning at his left until each player has the proper number from the table below. The remainder of the pack is the stock with one card turned face up to start the discard pile.


 # of                    cards    canastas 
Players  playing        on deal   to go out
   2     individually     15        4      
   3     individually     13        3      
   4     individually     11        2      
   5     individually      9        2      
   4     2 partnerships   11        5      
   6     2 partnerships    7        5      
   6     3 partnerships    7        3      
Play - Each player beginning with the player to the dealer's left draws, melds or lays off (optional) and discards. Discard is optional if going out. (see below) To meld is to play a set on the table in front of oneself. To lay off is to add to a set already melded. The discard is always one card from the hand placed face up on the discard pile. The discard pile is always fanned. Discarding ends a player's turn and play passes to the left.

Sets are three or more cards of the same rank called a group or three or more in sequence of the same suit. Wild cards can substitute for any natural card but wild cards are not declared and can be anything needed in the meld. For example in a 7, 8, wild card sequence, the wild card can take the place of either a 6 or a 9 and if a six is played it then becomes either a 5 or a 9. A set must have at least two natural cards and can never contain more than two wild cards unless it is a wild card set.

The draw may be two cards from the stock or a player may take from the discard pile instead as below:

If the top card of the discard pile cannot be layed off it may be taken alone.

However, if the top card can be layed off and he takes it the player must lay it off or use it in a new meld and take all cards in the discard pile as well.

Or, he can take any card below the top card in the discard pile and all above it, but the bottom card taken must be melded immediately. A card taken from within the discard pile can only be melded with at least two natural cards from the hand. In this case, the player should first lay down the natural cards from his hand, then play the bottom card taken from the discard pile before picking up the cards above it.

A canasta is at least seven cards in a set.

Stoppers cannot be played or taken from the top of the discard pile into the hand. They may be discarded. Two stoppers in the hand prevent a player going out.

Sets may be combined when they adjoin properly even across the table with a partner's set.

A joker played on the table may be exchanged for a card from the hand provided the card from the hand replaces the joker in the set.

Once played, a card (except jokers when replaced) may never be removed from a set.

A player may not lay off on another player's meld except in partnership play as below.

Three or more wild cards may be melded as a wild card set. A wild card set may contain any number of twos and jokers but its point score is doubled if they are not mixed in the same set.

Going out - A player may go out ending play for that hand only if he has at least the required number of canastas and plays or discards the last card in his hand. If a player, otherwise able to go out, discards his last card and does not say, "I'm out.", play continues.

If the stock is exhausted without any player going out, the discard pile except the top card is shuffled and turned over to form a new stock and play continues until only one card remains or only stoppers remain or a discarded card is taken and discarded completely around the table without being played or kept.

Partnership play - if four or six play, they may play in partnerships of two or three and a partner may play on his partner's sets. On his turn a player may ask his partner, "May I go out?" and he is bound by his partner's answer. Either partner of a partnership may go out if the partnership has the required number of canastas but not before. Partners may not discuss their hands or strategy during play.

Score - Cards played count plus point value. Cards in hand count minus point value. Canastas in hand count minus also. Canastas in hand must be counted as highest possible value. A game consists of seven hands or play until one player has accumulated at least 4 times the winning score of the first hand plus 1000 points or until the highest scoring player has a cumulative score of at least 1000 more than that of his closest opponent.


Card                  Points
4-7                      5  
8-10                    10  
Face cards              15  
Aces                    20  
Twos                    20  
Jokers                  50  
Threes                  50  
Fours (if stoppers)    100  
                            
Canasta:                    
      Mixed            100 with wild cards
   or Natural              no wild cards
         7 - 8 cards   200  
      or 9 - 10 cards  300  
      or 11 cards      400  
      or 12 cards      500  
                            
Going out              100  
Wild cards in an unmixed wild card set count double.
An unmixed wild card canasta counts double. (no jokers)

Albany Canasta Deluxe
Played like Albany Canasta with any combination of the following options:

1. Red 3's and 4's option - stoppers
Fours are played under the same rules as threes except that if caught in the hand fours count minus 100 points.

Three or more red threes or three or more red fours may be melded at any time. A three or four meld may not, however, contain any wild cards. Black threes or fours may not be melded. Melded threes count plus 50 points and melded fours count plus 100 points. No three or four may be taken from the top of the discard pile nor may they be taken as the bottom card from the discard pile to be melded immediately. They can only be taken with other cards. If an entire meld of threes or fours is of the same suit, it counts double.

2. Three of a kind option
If a group of the same suit other than stoppers or jokers are melded alone then they count 50 points each rather than their normal point value. These melds may, of course, be combined later if desired but they would then revert to their normal point value.

3. Take up option
If a player takes any card in the discard pile and all above it, the bottom card taken must be melded immediately. In this case, the player should lay on the table the bottom card taken, pick up the cards on the discard pile above it and then play at least two more cards with the bottom card to complete the meld. The meld must include at least two natural cards but can also include up to two wild cards. None of these cards have to be from the hand originally but can be.

4. Third Stock Card option
If a player declines to take from the discard pile but instead to draw from the stock, he first turns the top card of the stock face up and discards it to the top of the discard pile. He then draws his two cards from the stock, plays and discards. This option adds complexity to the game and less control by the players, particularly good in two player games.

5. Dead card option
If a player takes two cards from the stock, he then takes another card, turns it face up and places it aside on a fanned dead card pile. Cards in this pile are out of play for the remainder of the game. This variation is best for two player games or two partnership games. If this option is played 1 less canasta is needed to go out. It is optional whether the dead cards are shuffled in with the discard pile if the stock becomes exhausted.

6. Auction option
After he has drawn but before he plays any cards or discards a player may lay any number of cards from his hand face up toward the center of the table as an offering. Then each player who is not his partner beginning with the player to his left may pass or place any number of cards or no cards face up toward the center of the table as a bid. The offering player may then choose any bid and exchange the offering for the bid or he may reject all bids and put his offering back into his own hand. Only one offering may be made per player's turn.

7. Extra discard option
As soon as a player discards he turns up the top card from the stock and puts it on the discard pile completing his turn. This variation lends more chance to the game and less control by the players.

8. Odd man option
If there are 3 or 5 players, in any hand after the first the players with lowest scores may elect to play partners against the player with the highest score. If this is done the partners each get half the score made by the partnership at the end of the hand. If there are five players the 2nd highest score must partner with the lowest score and numbers 3 and 4 must partner. With 3 players partners must have 5 canastas to go out. With 5 players they must have three.

9. Money option
When the game is over each loser pays the winner or winning partnership 1 cent for each point difference between their score and the winner's score.

My favorite Albany Canasta includes options 1, 2, 3, and 9.
Also option 5 if there are only two players.


Game rules by Duane Bristow 
http://www.kyphilom.com
duane@kyphilom.com     
March 28, 1993         
     
                 Albany Canasta Score Sheet - Game/Date ________________
                                              Options:  ________________
Player:                      1       2       3       4       5       6
     
Hand number:
1  dealer 1
     Going out             _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand canastas      _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand cards         _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Canastas              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Played cards          _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
                play to:
   Hand Total    _____     _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____  _____

2  dealer 2
     Going out             _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand canastas      _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand cards         _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Canastas              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Played cards          _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

   Hand Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   Game Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

3  dealer __
     Going out             _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand canastas      _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand cards         _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Canastas              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Played cards          _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

   Hand Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   Game Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

4  dealer __
     Going out             _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand canastas      _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand cards         _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Canastas              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Played cards          _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

   Hand Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   Game Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

5  dealer __
     Going out             _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand canastas      _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand cards         _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Canastas              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Played cards          _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

   Hand Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   Game Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

6  dealer __
     Going out             _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand canastas      _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand cards         _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Canastas              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Played cards          _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

   Hand Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   Game Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

7  dealer __
     Going out             _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand canastas      _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   - In hand cards         _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Canastas              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   + Played cards          _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

   Hand Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   Game Total              _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____

   Difference from highest _____   _____   _____   _____   _____   _____
   Circle each winning hand.  Circle game winner's name or number.
   If playing partners write scores only in 1st two or three columns.
# of                    cards    canastas  
Players  playing        on deal   to go out
   2     individually     15        4      
   3     individually     13        3      
   4     individually     11        2      
   5     individually      9        2      
   4     2 partnerships   11        5      
   6     2 partnerships    7        5      
   6     3 partnerships    7        3      
                                           
Score - Cards played count plus point value. Cards in hand count minus point value. Canastas in hand count minus also. Canastas in hand must be counted as highest possible value. A game consists of seven hands or play until one player has accumulated at least 4 times the winning score of the first hand plus 1000 points or until the highest scoring player has a cumulative score of at least 1000 more than that of his closest opponent.
Card                  Points
4-7                      5  
8-10                    10  
Face cards              15  
Aces                    20  
Twos                    20  
Jokers                  50  
Threes                 -50  Fours (if stoppers) 100
Canasta:                                             
      Mixed             100 containing any wild cards
   or Natural               containing no wild cards 
         7 - 8 cards    200 
      or 9 - 10 cards   300 
      or 11 cards       400 
      or 12 cards       500 
Going out               100 
Wild cards in an unmixed wild card set count double.
An unmixed wild card canasta counts double. (no jokers)

Last revised May 2011.

URL: http://www.kyphilom.com/www/sm/sm5.htm

Please send comments.
All contents copyright (C) 2011, Duane Bristow. All rights reserved.