::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :: You Know You are in :: :: Trouble When... :: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: You have been at work for three hours before you notice your skirt is caught in your pantyhose. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You call suicide prevention and they put you on Hold. You get to work and find a 60 MINUTES news team waiting in your office. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. You start to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night... and there aren't any. You turn on the Evening News and they are showing Emergency Routes out of the city. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels. Your 4-Year-Old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue. You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant. You discover your 12-Year-Old's idea of humor is putting Crazy Glue in your Preparation H. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it. You wake up to the sound of running water... and remember that you just bought a waterbed. You spend $75.00 at the hair dressers and when you get home your dog starts barking at you. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company party. The bird singing outside your window is a Vulture. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband. Your Income Tax refund check bounces. You put both contact lenses in the same eye. Your husband says "Good morning Mary" ...and your name is Sharon. You need one bathroom scale for each foot. You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch. Your aunt Maudie who has two Poodles and a Chihuahua tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate... and you live in Arizona. You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money... from PG&E. Air line food starts to taste good. Your mother approves of the person you are dating. Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies. You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD. You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box. You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it. Nothing you own is actually paid for. Everyone loves your driver's license picture. You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours. Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents. You compliment the Boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any. You go on your honeymoon to a remote little motel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your spouse. The Health Inspector condemns your office coffee maker. The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes... and no one has touched it. You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you. You invite the Peeping Tom in... and he says no. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money. People think you are 40... and you really are. You notice dandruff... on your umbrella. The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money. You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed. Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was Terrific" and you remember that you were home by yourself. Everyone is laughing but you. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :: You Know You're Getting :: :: Old When... :: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't. You sit down to a rocking chair and can't get it started. You regret all those times you resisted temptation. You order Geritol-on-the-Rocks at the bar. You think "Gay" means "Happy, Lively and Vivacious". You look forward to spending a quiet evening at home. Your back goes out more often than you do. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. The last president you enjoyed voting for was Teddy Roosevelt. You turned 39 before Jack Benny. Your little black book has only names ending in M.D. You need oxygen after blowing out your birthday candles. Your mind makes agreements your body can't meet. You finally get it all together and can't remember where you put it. You start eating Bran Flakes and Prune Juice for breakfast. You remember today that yesterday was your Birthday. You get worn out dialing long distance. You buy a health club membership and don't go. You have more hair on your chest than on your head. You just can't seem to get around to Procrastinating. Your favorite newspaper column is "25 Years ago Today". You don't need an alarm clock to get up at 6 A.M. You need a Fire Permit to light all the candles on your Birthday cake. A Fortune Teller wants to read your face. It takes you an hour to undress and another hour to remember why. After painting the town red, you have to wait a long time before applying a 2nd coat. You burn the Midnight oil by 9 P.M. You get your exercise being a pallbearer for your friends who exercised. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere. Anything under a quarter isn't worth bending over to pick up. Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever you see a sexy girl go by. The little old lady you help across the street is your wife. You get winded playing checkers. You sink your teeth into a Thick, Juicy Steak and they stay there. The only whistles you get are from the teakettle. Your favorite TV personalities are Sid Caesar, Milton Berle, and Lucille Ball. You need a smaller house with a bigger medicine cabinet. Work becomes more fun and fun becomes more work. The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off. Your children begin to look middle-aged. You think you've been complimented when you're called "Square". The gleam in your eyes is the sun reflecting off your bifocals. You stop to think and sometimes forget to start again. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. You finally get to the top of the ladder, but it's leaning against the wrong wall.