#: 378 S0/CompuServe Mail  [MAIL]
    20-May-95 00:42 EDT
Sb: The Oracle replies!
Fm: "The Usenet Oracle" > INTERNET:oracle@cs.indiana.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How can I keep burglars out of my house?  They took my underwear
> last time.
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To encourage the burglar to keep a distance from the house in the first place
} place extra large feeding dishes by the front door and label them Thor and
} Lightning - or -
}
} Prominently display a sign warning that Lucy, your pet boa constrictor has
} run of the house when you are gone - or -
}
} Leave a fresh change of underwear in a discreetly labeled brown paper bag out
} by the mailbox so the burglar won't have to break in to get it.
}
} A somewhat more reliable method of discouraging unwanted visitors is the
} installation of a fancy and frequently obnoxious alarm system.  This does
} require the spending of significant dollars but has one  very positive
} effect.  It will reduce your disposable income to a level that will ensure
} that you have nothing worth stealing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice reliable baseball bat.  (it won't keep burglars out
} but it certainly bolsters the confidence.)